10 Ways To Deal With Intense Negativity

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

10 Ways To Deal With Intense NegativityHave you ever been in a situation where the people around you are in an absolute stink? A prolonged state of ‘negativity’ where it seems like nothing you say or do, no matter how well intentioned, can encouraged them to come back into their heart?

My name is Joel Young and I’m the creator
of The NPA Process, a beautifully simple way to stop taking things personally.

This video addresses the issue of dealing with intense negativity in terms of basic human interaction. It comes in the understanding that human relations are often where our deepest crap hits the proverbial fan, rarely stopping to consider the sanitised suggestions proffered by our more enlightened aspects.

I’ve experienced this many many times in my life and I’ve learned some valuable lessons along the way.

I’m not generally big on formulas, but it IS nice to have some options.

So here’s a list of 10 things I’d like to share with you, that I’ve found helpful when I’m dealing with intense negativity. If you can assimilate even one of them in the heat of the moment, you’ll be doing yourself (and the other person) a big favour.

So let’s get started…

1. Re-Think The Label ‘Negativity’

When you label someones expressions as ‘negative’ you enter dangerous territory.

Now, It’s not that I’m saying there’s anything intrinsically bad or wrong with the term negativity, I’m simply suggesting you examine what you are really saying when you use it, and how that impacts your experience: your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

I could say a LOT about this, but the main point I want to highlight is that in the context of heated interactions: Watch out for the tendency to fall into the trap of using the term ‘negativity’ as one of the following: a judgement, a defence, an attack from a position of superior enlightenment, to assert yourself as a victim, to negate their perspective or deny their experience.

All of those will cause YOU pain and I’m encouraging you to be as aware as possible about how YOUR label for THEIR experience impacts YOUR experience.

2. Drop Your Agenda

When we’re uncomfortable with someone else’s expression, it’s very easy to believe the notion that they ought to be different than they are – after all, YOU can see that they would be much happier if they only followed your helpful advice and, of course, it would certainly be easier for you!

Again, I’m not saying that your helpful insights aren’t awesome, and if they did do what’s bleedin’ obvious to you, perhaps they would feel a whole lot better!

The slippery slope here is when you become attached to your way and then suddenly you have an agenda.

Agenda’s limit possibilities. They can make you go deaf & blind to the other person, to yourself and tend to create strong undercurrents of pressure to have themselves fulfilled.

Pressure and heat is exactly what you need for an explosion – just sayin’

The truth is that they need to be where they are right now – at least for now. And as humans we tend to resist when our natural pace is forced.

There’ll be time for suggestions or for offering a perspective or for finding a way through that works for them (whether you agree with it or not) – and that time might not be now.

When you drop your agenda, you’ll be more available to notice that moment when it arises.

NPA: Non-Personal Awareness (logo)3. Don’t Take It Personally

Well, of course, this list would not be complete without a reference to NPA would it?

So… Lots of wise sages have advised people not to take these things personally – and trust me it’s good advice!

I have dedicated nearly a decade of my life to sharing the multifaceted and fundamentally non-personal nature of reality… And sometimes, especially in these situations, it comes down to this: It’s just not about you!

Of course, when someone’s deepest doo doo is being flung in your face, it can be easier said than done to not take it personally, but fortunately the human race now has The NPA Process which gives us a simple and effective way to cut through the sh*t (pun intended) and come up smelling of roses (I may have overdone and/or mixed my metaphors – but you get the point!).

I’ve experienced it myself AND had amazing feedback from so many other people who have stepped out of a heated situation, taken themselves through an NPA Process and found they really CAN stop taking it personally and become freer to act from a wholesome place.

On my website (see below) you’ll find a free and simple exercise called ‘Don’t Take Them Personally’. It will show you exactly how to use The NPA Process in these situations and I highly recommend you get it.

GET THE “DON’T TAKE THEM PERSONALLY” EXERCISE

Learn how you can feel clear and centred around the people in your life who say or do things that cause you stress

Click here to get your free exercise

4. Listen To Them

This suggestion may seem hard to swallow, and it often requires us to be able to genuinely get the hang of suggestions 1, 2 & 3 – so: drop the label of negativity, drop the agenda and not take it personally – before we’re able to really listen. But when you DO really listen, magic can happen.

There can be lots of ‘faux’ listening going on, especially where an agenda is running in the background – and in fact, that is not listening.

Truly listening can be miraculous, but listening in order to get a miracle – well, we’re back to agenda again :p

Listening without an agenda is just that. Listening. Nothing added. You might be amazed what gets said when they realise you’re really listening.

5. Listen To You

There’s a saying that ‘misery loves company’ which points to our very natural human longing for agreement. In the heat of their deepest pain people often seek agreement from those around them.

And when I say seek, as you know, it often comes out as demand right?

Now, Our culture is full of mixed messages in this arena.

We’re taught, for example:
“It is kind and loving to sympathise and support someone in their painful stories”

This is something many would agree with, and it’s my opinion that there IS a place for this in the bish bosh of day to day human bonding. Validation can be an important part of dialogue.

Conversely we are told “where attention goes energy flows”, which in this context is kind of a rebranding of “don’t throw fuel on the fire”. In other words, if you give their negativity attention it will just get worse.

Then there’s the old chestnut: “If I don’t put ’em straight they’ll never learn”… And sometimes a strong alternative perspective is exactly what’s needed…

The reality is, there’s no ONE approach that will be right for all situations, and you can’t truly know how the other person will respond whichever path you choose. To sympathise, to challenge, to ignore, to confront…? What to do? What to do?

All you can do is listen to you as best you can, and follow those inner prompts, knowing that they, ultimately, come from a wider awareness. Plus, this way, at least you stay with yourself.

6. Ask Yourself: Is It Kind To Me?

Be Kind To You

This inner inquiry came to me in the middle of a drawn out domestic some years ago.

Kindness has always been important to me and the question I used to ask was focused very much in the outward direction. “What’s the kind thing for me to do” would be translated as “how can I express kindness towards them“.

What I realised though is that sometimes, my attempts at kindness would be very painful for me, and would often backfire and cause greater stress in my beloved at the time.

The thing is, I was excluding myself completely from the kindness equation.

So, on this occasion I was laying next to my wife at the time, both of us worn out from the long fight. I knew she was still mad at me and very much unresolved… and the truth is, so was I.

Then arose my usual urge to make peace… To open my heart and reconnect and I began to reach out my hand to touch her softly and comfort her… Suddenly the words rang loudly in my head: “Is it kind to YOU Joel?”

My hand stopped in it’s tracks as the realisation dawned. “No, it bloody well isn’t kind to me” and then, I realised, it wouldn’t really have been kind to her either.

It would have been a false move, borne from my agenda to stop the discomfort I felt with the conflict! It would have been a lie to her and a lie to myself.

My hand withdrew and I lay in the truth, and let her be – free to lay in hers. Something in me softened.

So my suggestion is: before you act to appease, to agree, to shout, to run – whatever – ask yourself “Is it kind to me?”. If it is? Chances are it’s the kindest thing you can do all round.

7. Give Yourself A Break

OK, this one is real simple. You’re gonna cock it up on numbers 1-6 at some point (and numbers 8-10 for that matter!). You just are – that’s your humanity.

So give yourself a break.

Sometimes, what is, is just gonna be: “I’m fed up with the unconscious negativity of the miserable bugger. Why won’t they just think differently like I tell ’em AND I’ve been as kind to them as I can possibly be in spite of their mood! What about me!!!!???” lol

Give yourself a break. There’s another breath coming.

8. Remove Yourself From The Situation

Sometimes you’ve just gotta get out. Get away from it. This links right back to listening to and being kind to you. There are times when it’s time to stay and work it through, and times when something inside says it’s time to go.

This is true in a small temporary way – where you just need to take yourself off for a walk, a bike ride, for a coffee or whatever… AND it can also be true in a bigger way, where it’s time to leave the relationship altogether.

When you listen in and pay close attention, and are willing to be kind to you, the thousand-and-one rational thoughts that would keep you in the painful crap longer than is ‘true’ won’t get a look in.

9. Affirm Your Willingness To Be There When They’re Ready

In relational dynamics, especially if it’s that time to go take a breather (and it’s not the grand finale), I’ve found that it’s kinder all round if you can offer some sense of reassurance as you step away.

It may seem that the other person can neither hear you nor cares, but something inside them is listening.

So saying things like “I’m here when you’re ready, I know we can work this out, and I need to go right now” tend to tear less at the bonds between you.

This isn’t only a sound approach at the times when you need to walk away for a bit, but all throughout communications at these heated times.

The more you can offer statements of intent to work it out together, to hear them, to be there: it’s all good (as long as it’s kind to you).

10. Get Help For You

Finally, it’s really important to get support for YOU – especially if you’re dealing with a prolonged situation.

So make sure you reach out and talk to a friend, pray to whomever you pray (and be conversational about it) or get some professional help with someone like me 😉

But really – don’t under estimate the value of another perspective in these kind of situations. We all need a helping hand sometimes <3

One More thing…

What if YOU are the source of ‘intense negativity’?

In that case, watch this video again and see if you can recognise how there’s a part of you that needs to ‘re-think the label’, ‘drop the agenda’ etc etc – give yourself a break and Do some NPA!!

Give It Some Love

So… Perhaps you have ideas I’ve never even thought of? Maybe one of these 10 suggestions has given you an aha moment or helped you in some specific way? Maybe you have a strong opinion about one or all of these?

Please let me and others know in the comments and why not share this if you’ve found it helpful

Also go visit my website: NonPersonalAwareness.com where you’ll find the free and simple exercise called ‘Don’t Take Them Personally’. Remember, it will show you exactly how to use The NPA Process in these situations and I highly recommend you get it.
[or use the link in the box below]

GET THE “DON’T TAKE THEM PERSONALLY” EXERCISE

Learn how you can feel clear and centred around the people in your life who say or do things that cause you stress

Click here to get your free exercise

Thanks for spending this precious time with me and I’ll see you soon!

[JY-General-Bio]

Tweetables

“Ask yourself “Is it kind to me?” If it is? Chances are it’s the kindest thing you can do all round” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Don’t under estimate the value of another perspective. We all need a helping hand sometimes” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Have you excluded yourself completely from the kindness equation?” via @JoelYoungNPA

“In the heat of their deepest doo doo people often seek agreement from those around them” via @JoelYoungNPA

“The reality is, there’s no ‘one’ approach that will be right for all situations” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Listening without an agenda is just that. Listening. Nothing added.” via @JoelYoungNPA

7 Effortless Contemplations To Raise Your Vibration

7 Effortless Comtemplations To Raise Your VibrationIn this Musing on NPA & Life, I am inviting you to contemplate some non-personal notions & see where that takes you…

The thing about simply contemplating, and meeting any perspective as a notion (and folks – all we have are notions about the mystery) is that it invites an opening without agenda.

Agendaless-ness is at the heart of NPA and its a beautiful paradox that so much power becomes available as you loosen the grip of knowing and control, and allow the discovery to begin.

So contemplate these 7 notions i.e. read one, take a deep breath & close your eyes, ponder it, try it on for size and see what arises…

Just 1 minute on each will have a profound impact on your vibe… (longer would be awesome!) – it’s your gift to yourself ♥

CONTEMPLATION 1: THIS IS WHAT PERFECTION LOOKS LIKE

 

Notion 1 - Perfection

Perfection is not about Happy Clappy LaLa land in permanent stasis, it’s about Divine Order – everything in the Universe exactly where it’s meant to be, which is where it is, in each moment – “Reality”, as Byron Katie puts it.

For you and your experience, that may be up, it may be down; a co-ordinate within the constant motion of Life.

In any case, I invite you to contemplate the notion that this (whatever you are experiencing right now) is what perfection looks like.

CONTEMPLATION 2: STUCKNESS IS IMPOSSIBLE

 

Notion 2 - Stuckness is Impossible

Everything is Energy. Energy exists in waves. Waves are in constant motion… constant motion is not stuck-ness, even though it can appear to be so…

So contemplate the notion that: “At a quantum level, everything is in constant motion. Stuckness, fundamentally, is impossible”

CONTEMPLATION 3: YOU ARE NOT THE ACTIVE FORCE

 

Notion 3 - Being Breathed

If you follow any thought, impulse or inspiration back to it’s source you will very quickly get beyond the self. In may ways that Del Amitri song ‘Always The Last To Know’ speaks a profound truth of our personal experience.

We like to think we are in charge, in control, the decider, but there are stupendous, enormous beyond comprehension, out of this world crazy big creative forces at work. The possibility matrix accounts for the sum of the Totality of experience across the multiverses and the bottom line in each moment gets expressed through you via thought/impulse/inspiration/decision.

As Ramesh S Balsekar, one of my fave Enlightened Master’s says: “Always a happening, never a doer”

At first this notion can seem disempowering and devastating to our inner control freak (we all have one), however this non-personal perspective soon reveals itself to be a liberation. Also, when you’re done contemplating, you can check my previous post called Bad News For Control Freaks

So, I invite you to contemplate the notion:

“You are being moved, being breathed, being ‘done’. You are not the active force; rather the receiver and expression of it.”

Learn How You Can Make Rapid Positive Shifts…

NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

CONTEMPLATION 4: CHILDREN OF GOD

 

Notion 4 - Children of God

Sit with this one, especially if your road to healing, or path to awakening finds you judging, belittling, labelling as ‘less Spiritual’ or attempting to ‘rid’ yourself of any particular experience or aspect of yourself…

Contemplate notion 4: “Your Ego & your Soul are sibling children of God, loved equally and unconditionally”

CONTEMPLATION 5: IF YOU PARENT YOURSELF…

 

Notion 5 - Parent Yourself

In my many years of self-healing and working with countless clients, I noticed that most painful behaviours were born from ‘child’ consciousness’ or young identities looking for something… Love, protection, acknowledgement, understanding etc etc…

The child energy seeks parental energy… And yet we tend to “personalise” parental energy, and therefore limit it’s origin, to our parents and carers.

So if the flow of parental energy through these fine people is shaped in a way that didn’t connect with our various child energies, an unmet need is generated.

The good news is that parental energy is non-personal and can joyfully flow through you to your child energies in exquisitely precise ways.

Through this notion I was liberated from my personal history, so I invite you to contemplate…

“If you parent yourself in all the ways you wish you had been parented, then Love will run amok in your heart, where need once did”

There’s also a more in depth blog on this subject HERE

CONTEMPLATION 6: YOUR MIND JUST OPENED…

 

Notion 6 - Open Wider

Aligning with the forceless force that animates all experience is only a contemplation away. And the forceless force is EXPANDING the entire Universe – at a physical and quantum level, so I invite you to align with it as you contemplate the notion…

“Your mind just opened a little bit wider, your breath just got a little bit deeper & a quiet ease just crept silently into your Soul…”

CONTEMPLATION 7: BEING YOU IS THE GIFT

 

Notion 7 - Being You is the Gift

As we come to the end of this series of contemplations, let’s contemplate a little deeper…

Notion 7 is: “Being You is the greatest gift you can offer the Earth”

So what is ‘You’?
Who are ‘You’?
What does Being You look like?

There are lot’s of ‘standard’ spiritual answers to these questions… I am everything, I am nothing, I am a spiritual being in a human body… yada yada…

And I would invite you to contemplate the notion WITHOUT the baggage of Spiritual knowledge…

“Being YOU is the greatest gift you can offer the Earth”

Contemplate… Ponder… Wonder…
And enjoy the presence of discovery….

——-

I hope these notions have stirred you, moved you, touched you or awakened something in you – even if it’s confirmation of your own perspective… And if they have please pay it forward and share this blog <3

[JY-General-Bio]

Tweetables

Contemplate the question ‘Who am I?’ WITHOUT the baggage of Spiritual knowledge (via @JoelYoungNPA)

Contemplate, Ponder, Wonder… and enjoy the presence of discovery…. (via @JoelYoungNPA)

“Being YOU is the greatest gift you can offer the Earth” @JoelYoungNPA #quote

“Aligning with the forceless force that animates all experience is only a contemplation away” @JoelYoungNPA #quote

A forceless force is EXPANDING the entire Universe at a physical and quantum level; I invite you to align with it (via @JoelYoungNPA)

“Most painful behaviours are born from ‘child’ consciousness’ or young identities looking for something” @JoelYoungNPA #quote

“The child energy seeks parental energy. But we personalise the energy & limit it’s origin to our parents and carers” @JoelYoungNPA #quote

“Your Ego & your Soul are sibling children of God, loved equally and unconditionally” @JoelYoungNPA #quote

In may ways that Del Amitri song ‘Always The Last To Know’ speaks a profound truth of our personal experience :0) (via @JoelYoungNPA)

We like to think we are in charge, in control, the decider, but grand energies prior to consciousness are more causal than our personal choices

“The possibility matrix accounts for the sum of the Totality of experience & expresses it as impulse/inspiration/decision” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Always a happening, never a doer” Ramesh S Balsekar (via @JoelYoungNPA)

“At a quantum level, everything is in constant motion. Stuckness, fundamentally, is impossible” @JoelYoungNPA #quote

“Perfection is not about Happy Clappy LaLa Land in a permanent positively biased stasis, it’s about Divine Order” @JoelYoungNPA #quote

“Meeting any perspective as a notion (& all we have are notions about the mystery) invites an opening without agenda” @JoelYoungNPA #quote

“So much power becomes available as you loosen the grip of knowing and control” @JoelYoungNPA #quote #wisdom

The Cripple & The Chrysalis (A True Story)

The Cripple & The ChrysalisI recently had the privilege of witnessing an awesome moment in Nature and, as Nature often does, it blew me away.

It wasn’t just the pure aesthetic beauty; it wasn’t just the drama of an epic struggle; and it wasn’t just the bitter-sweet sadness inherent in the spectacle that moved me to share it.

There was also a Divine reflection, a lesson you might say, on our ideas around success and failure in transformation, and it was that that had me heading for my keyboard to share it here with you…

Inspiration On The Garden Pond

Emperor DragonlyIt’s not something you see everyday, and especially when you happen to have your camera in your hand! This Emperor Dragonfly shows some seriously impressive perseverance to emerge from it’s larval moult. The larva spends a couple of years under water, feeding, shedding it’s skin and growing before it crawls up out of the water. Clinging to a reed, it dries and undergoes it’s emergence as a stunningly beautiful and devastatingly effective airborne hunter.

The emergence normally takes 1-3 hours, but I watched this mighty individual birthing itself, against the odds, over a 48hr period.

The Cripple And The Chrysalis*

Herculean Emperor DragonlySo what could cause such a long emergence?

Well, unfortunately it’s wings were stuck and for a full day it hung from the husk of it’s exuvia (the hardened shell of the larva). In that day the body and the exposed wings become engorged, and by nightfall it had fallen still. I was pretty sure it was dead but to my great surprise and delight, the next day I came out to find it had managed to grasp another reed and is pulling with all it’s might.

Amazingly I am there at the moment it pulls itself free. There’s an audible snap as the restraining fibril breaks and the heroic Hawker scurries to the top of the reed.

Up to this point, having never seen this process before, I expect to see the wings open and expand. However I quickly realise that they have set, are crippled and will never serve as mechanisms of flight.

Emperor Dragonly with Crippled WingsPerhaps it’s my imagination, but I get the sense that it realises this too.

Nevertheless, it experienced several hours of life as a flightless Dragonfly. I like to think it surrendered, basked in the sunshine, took in the view and reflected on it’s time above the waterline. In any case, at some point it’s spirit left it’s body, which I found laying lifeless on a lilly pad later that evening.

Transformational Success & Failure?

In spite of it’s disability and short life this brave and determined individual was deeply admired and certainly left an impact.

Healthy Emperor DragonflyWho is to say what is success and what is failure? You never know who or what you are inspiring in anything you do – regardless of the outcome.

A short while after, a healthy brother flew in, so you & I can see the wings he imagined, to share his vision and know that life as it was imagined exists somewhere.

If you have ideas of success and failure in the realm of your transformation, I invite you to let them go and be present to the beauty and inspiration of what is.

Namaste ♥

*OK insect nerds (I include myself here), I know that Dragonflies don’t do chrysalis and I’m hoping your natural appreciation for beauty will enable you to forgive the poetic licence 😉

[JY-General-Bio]

Tweetables

“Who is to say what is success and what is failure?” via @JoelYoungNPA

“You never know who or what you are inspiring in anything you do – regardless of the outcome” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Know that life as you imagine it exists somewhere” via @JoelYoungNPA

“If you have ideas of success and failure in the realm of your transformation, let them go” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Let go and be present to the beauty and inspiration of what is” via @JoelYoungNPA

[Ad-Active-1]

Wholeness & Your Inner Brat: WTF?

Wholeness & Your Inner Brat: WTF?In this Musing on NPA & Life I’m going to suggest that you notice a place in you where you have no need of life to acquiesce to your childish demands for more than you have.

In plain English that means I’m going to ask you to stop pandering to (or fighting) your inner brat. After all, s/he’s a brat.

So, let’s get this out of the way. We all have one.

It wants more. More than you have, more than you need, more…. just because more is better, and even if it isn’t better, at least it’s more, More, MORE!!!

So how does one handle this often incessant demand without suppressing or invalidating this part of you?

A Little Clarity Please…

Just to be clear – I am NOT saying ‘have no childish demands’. Childish demands come and go, as do all the colours of human experience.

My suggestion is that you have no NEED of LIFE to acquiesce to them, no matter how diligently you pray, affirm, clear out blocks, work your ass off, vision board etc etc… you get the gist.

This is, of course, only if you are interested in Truth and Peace.

And, just to be clear again – I am NOT saying don’t pray, affirm, clear out blocks, work your ass off, vision board etc etc… what you are moved to do is always perfection in the widest context.

What I AM pointing to here is a discernment of Truth, from a Spiritual perspective, and a further re-alignment of ‘Being’ from ‘Dualistic Struggle’ to ‘Wholeness’

The History Of The Conscious Brat

In the latter part of last century, especially in the awakening movement, we nurtured the demanding child of our psyches and drilled ourselves on the belief in personal power.

To a degree this may have been the quenching of a natural thirst to re-integrate the personal perspective into the Whole – a pendulum swing from outer focused authoritarianism and the exclusion of self-motivation. In the context of balance and integration, clearly this was an authentic act of kindness to The Human.

However, as one foot falls and has it’s moment of relevancy on the path, the other foot inevitably comes into consideration.

How To Love Your Inner Brat Wholesomely

Non-Personal Awareness on many levels is a vehicle through which you can engage in a simple inquiry to the source of ‘you’ and the experience of Self. Many are surprised at what they find; the realisation of Self as effect rather than cause. But ultimately there is relief, a resting and a natural willingness to Be.

From the highest personal perspective, it’s a matter of discernment. Part of mastering the NPA Process, and understanding Non-Personal Awareness is about becoming highly skilled at noticing ‘animation’.

Animation is my word for ‘what is already being moved by God/Grace/The Universe. It’s the ‘Energy of the moment’ and as you come to know this, you are able to let go of formulas and discern the ‘highest & best’ in the context of the present.

Practice

As you practice non-personal awareness, the personality relaxes it’s game of control and rests Gracefully in the chaotic, ordered, intelligent, beauty of Life. An invitation to notice the longings, wants and childish demands. To notice actions happening that appear to support those longings, wants and childish demands. To notice actions happening that appear to NOT support those longings, wants and childish demands. And to notice that, in any case, Life is what it is.

I have what I have. I will always have what I have. And I have no need of life to acquiesce to my childish demands for more than I have.

And just to leave your personality with a little reassurance right now; that tends to feel freakin’ awesome 😀

[JY-General-Bio]

Tweetables…

Childish demands come and go, as do all the colours of human experience. via @JoelYoungNPA

what you are moved to do is always perfection in the widest context. via @JoelYoungNPA

As one foot falls and has it’s moment of relevancy on the path, the other foot inevitably comes into consideration. via @JoelYoungNPA

engage in a simple inquiry to the source of ‘you’ and the experience of Self. via @JoelYoungNPA

 let go of formulas and discern the ‘highest & best’ in the context of the present. via @JoelYoungNPA

As you practice non-personal awareness, the personality relaxes it’s game of control. via @JoelYoungNPA

Notice that, in any case, Life is what it is. via @JoelYoungNPA

I have what I have. I will always have what I have. via @JoelYoungNPA

I have no need of life to acquiesce to my childish demands for more than I have. via @JoelYoungNPA

 

The Surprising Secret Ingredient That Consistently Facilitates Healing

The Surprising Secret IngredientNPA embraces and expresses one of my favourite paradoxes in the realm of healing, transformation, consciousness and love.

In this Musing on NPA & Life I want to lay it out for you, and give you an insight into, what I have come to understand is, THE biggest gift you can bring to any healing or facilitation situation.

“I’m Very Grateful”

This week I received an email from a client who wanted to express the gratitude she felt for the sessions we have been having, and offer a testimonial to share with others what she felt she experienced with me and how it has helped her.

The clue to the ‘secret ingredient’ is in here, so have a read and I’ll break it down for you after…

“Working with Joel I have been surprised by, and so appreciated, the tender compassion and acceptance that he has brought to each session. He offered a genuine loving space with no judgement; even of feelings I had previously felt sooo ashamed of.

In the past I have experienced a certain level of acceptance with facilitators but when change hasn’t come or stuckness has shown up, the focus on ‘moving on’ or changing has taken over.

Joel’s approach has the flavour of open-handed compassion and shows a level of acceptance which feels as if it comes very naturally from him. For me though, it was a very new experience and I feel that those qualities have been key to me moving on as I have.  Those more tender/”dark”/”stuck” feelings, having been offered all the time and space they needed to feel safe and relax, let down their defences and change of their own accord.

Here I am a few months later finding myself in a more peaceful and happy place! Feeling more able to deal with life, with more space and compassion now coming from within me! yeah!! I’m very grateful.”

Jane Griffin, Leicester, UK

The Secret Ingredient

So what was Jane experiencing ‘coming naturally from me’? She states; compassion, acceptance, genuine loving space, no judgement. These are qualities which naturally arise from the secret ingredient but are not the secret ingredient itself.

The thing I love most about NPA; the thing that practising it has trained into me, into my approach to working with clients and into my life in general is it’s agenda-less-ness. OK, so that’s not, strictly speaking, a real word but it points to the fact that NPA, in it’s pure form, comes with no agenda. And having NO agenda IS the secret ingredient.

And there-in lies the paradox, and the challenge for many a would-be power-user of NPA, and many a fine transformational practitioner. The question goes: “Surely if someone is paying me money to get some kind of outcome or result – shouldn’t I be doing everything in my power to get them there? Or at least to help them get themselves there!!??”

The trouble is, all that “I, me, them, their, there” stuff is based on personal power. Personal power requires a person. Persons come with an agenda. Agenda’s come with timelines, outcomes, comparisons, judgements, intentions… that leads to right ways and wrong ways both overt and covert… that leads to dogma and dogma leads to blindness… I think you get the idea.

NPA invites you to:

  • Express yourself in your natural way.
  • To say a few simple lines.
  • To notice what happens (if anything).

That’s it. No agenda.

So How Does That Consistently Facilitate Healing?

Let’s break it down

The Problem with AgendasThe problem with agendas – even ones with positive intent, even subtle energetic easily self-deniable ones – is that they apply pressure towards the intended outcome or route. Pressure tends to invoke resistance, resistance leads to persistence and before you know it you’re in a world of friction and potential stuckness. That can lead to further pressure in support of the agenda and so begins an un-helpful loop.

Jane illustrates it when she says, “In the past I have experienced a certain level of acceptance with facilitators” – in other words, there was an agenda with the facilitator, and she goes on to say how the agenda kicks up a gear, “but when change hasn’t come or stuckness has shown up, the focus on ‘moving on’ or changing has taken over.”

As you train more in the art of using NPA, you’ll begin to appreciate the importance and power of it’s agenda-less-ness. The power in NPA is NON-personal; as you get out of the way (drop the agenda) things begin to resolve all by themselves… in wonderful, effortless and sometimes miraculous ways.

Working agenda-less-ly with Jane meant that we met in a state of mutual, gentle discovery. It was like watching a flower blossom… and how personally are you involved in that process?

As Jane put it, “Those more tender/”dark”/”stuck” feelings, having been offered all the time and space they needed to feel safe and relax, let down their defences and change of their own accord.”

They (the feelings) let down their defences and changed of their own accord… And THAT is how having no agenda consistently facilitates healing, transformation, evolutions in consciousness and love.

Let It Come Alive

I have found that people who bathe themselves in the non-personal perspective at The NPA Expansive Weekend and beyond, find that it naturally comes alive in them, and with that dogma’s and agenda’s fall away. They still, of course, are available to passing intentions, outcome notions and the like, but rather than wearing them as uniform, they are passing fancy dress outfits that serve to raise a smile, warm the heart, lift a weight, disarm or arm; they come, and are used when useful and kind, and are discarded effortlessly as the truth of the moment dictates.

In the end it comes down to this, “Less ‘you-who-knows’ and more ‘Life-will-show’, invites the magic moment”

[JY-General-Bio]

 Tweetables:

“Having NO agenda IS the secret ingredient” via @JoelYoungNPA 

“Dogma leads to blindness” via @JoelYoungNPA 

“NPA invites you to express yourself in your natural way” via @JoelYoungNPA 

“The problem with agendas is that they apply pressure towards the intended outcome or route” via @JoelYoungNPA

“As YOU get out of the way, things begin to resolve all by themselves” via @JoelYoungNPA

“We met in a state of mutual, gentle discovery. It was like watching a flower blossom…” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Having no agenda consistently facilitates healing, transformation, evolutions in consciousness and love” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Less ‘you-who-knows’ and more ‘Life-will-show’, invites the magic moment” via @JoelYoungNPA

Thy Will Be Done – A Non-Personal Perspective

Thy Will Be Done npacentral.comThis Easter musing on NPA & Life takes a good look at the idea of ‘Thy Will be done’. From a Christian-centric Easter perspective and the story of Jesus in The Garden of Gethsemane – the events that lead to The Passion of Christ – through to a very non-personal perspective on the idea of ‘handing it over to God’.

So let’s crack open this sweet egg, and take a ride down the Easter Bunny hole…

The Garden of Gethsemane, Jerusalem, 2008

In 2008 I had the privilege of teaching the first ever Journey Intensive Weekend for Brandon Bays in Israel. During that trip I had the opportunity to visit Jerusalem – an opportunity I was NOT going to miss.

I was raised Christian, my Grandpa was a Vicar; I went to Sunday school and sang with the church choir. I didn’t really relate to all that bible stuff, but no doubt it’s in my blood. Later as I walked the path of awakening, I was re-introduced to the core spiritual ideas that appear in Christianity, but also within the other main religious texts. In my ‘conversations with God’ over the years, Jesus has regularly been a ‘form’ through which the Divine has spoken to me. And often when Christ was around there was a good deal of talk about the nature of surrender and Divine Will.

So, on reflection, it is no surprise to me that of all the places I visited in Jerusalem, it was the Garden of Gethsemane that touched me most deeply.

The Garden of Gethsemane, Jerusalem, Circa AD 33

What took place in the garden marks Maundy Thursday and begins the Passion of Christ and all the Christian events associated with the Easter Festival. While much of the Easter attention falls on the crucifixion and the resurrection, in my mind ALL of that is cradled in the teaching of surrender that was reached through Jesus’ very human conversation with God; often known as his anguished prayer.

In case you don’t know, The Bible tells how after the last supper, in full awareness of Judas’ imminent betrayal, Jesus takes his disciples to their usual hangout, the garden of Gethsemane. As he waits there he goes off to pray, beseeching God to spare him. He basically says: “God, I know all things are possible to You, so please show me if there is another way? In fact, if there IS another way please, please, please do that!”, and yet with full authenticity he finishes his prayer with “and always, Thy Will be done”

The lesson here is not one of personal power, it is one of non-personal awareness. Jesus does NOT set a personal goal of living without suffering and make that happen, glorifying in his awesomeness when he hits his goal or entering a self-blame/critique/lesson scenario if he misses.

Rather, he shows us that you can be fully present and acknowledge the human expression (the experience of the frightened personality in this case) and still be fully connected to the true source of all decision, consequence & experience: The Infinite, The Origin, God.

Non-Personal Responsibility

You see, often ‘Thy Will be done’ is interpreted as a personal doing. In other words, “It’s my personal responsibility to hand it over to God”.

A non-personal interpretation would be that if, like Jesus, you become fully awake to the realisation that there is no personal causality, and every perceived reality is, in fact, at consequence only to God (or ‘The Field’ if you prefer) – then you will understand that the fundamental spiritual dictate: ‘Hand it over to God’ is not an instruction for ‘you’ to ‘do’ the handing over. Rather, it’s an invitation to simply realise the True source of all experience, inspiration and action.

So, Jesus understood that no matter what personal action he undertook, God was in charge. In the end; Thy Will be done. Byron Katie (author of Loving What Is), who’s term for God is ‘reality’ puts it nicely, saying “When you argue with reality you lose, but only 100% of the time”.

So, this Easter, I invite you to entertain the notion that Thy Will is being done. I encourage you to notice how you are being moved, being breathed, being ‘done’. I also invite you to honour your personal experiences and wishes in that, and be with them as kindly as possible. The Morning Prayer which I share on my Heaven & Earth CD (http://www.shop.npacentral.com/other-products/), provides a format which fully embraces these ideas, so that could be a great resource for you if you’d like a little support with that.

Sending you always, love & blessings

Joel

[JY-General-Bio]

Do You Need A Hug?

Do You Need A Hug?If you tend to rationalise the crap out of feeling alone, well I understand.

Especially on ‘Saint bloody Valentines day’…

Maybe you question why you haven’t got that special someone with you and berate yourself with some bugger’s reason why you should have.

Perhaps you rage at the vulgarity of Valentines commercialism and scorn the couple’s who fell for it; displaying their loved up life on Facebook like a badge of honour. Perhaps you quietly, secretly, wish them a nasty break up.

Perhaps you hide your heart in the Haagen-Dazs pot – cookies and silent scream.

These are culturally acceptable strategies for dealing with feeling alone. They are seriously rubbish and usually serve to make you feel worse.

Here’s the thing. You need a hug.

(And, by the way, the same goes for Christmas, New Years, Birthday’s and all those traditionally ‘social’ occasions…)

You Need A Hug

And I’m not talking about one of those civilized, love & light, bromance kinda hugs you see happening everywhere these days – although I’ve gotta say I’m all for them over a hand shake, an air kiss or an awkward stand-off.

No, I’m talking about one of those uncompromising, unhindered, full out, full on, ‘I’m totally f***ing here – this moment is. my. everything.’ kinda hugs. A hug that says everything you ever wanted to hear without a single word being said. A hug that has exactly nothing to do with sex or orgasms and yet gives every cell in your body the deepest permission to sing and cry and laugh and scream in one dizzy, crazy, out-of-control yet safely held moment. A hug that says yes to everything you are, everything you’ve been and everything you long to become.

THAT, dear reader, is the hug I’m talking about.

The Big Question

And here’s the big question: Can you feel it? As you read the description of the hug – did you feel it? Can you go there? Can you LET yourself touch into it?

Because, while it’s flippin’ wonderful to get that from someone else, the truth is there are parts of you that are looking for THAT kind of hug from you, and only you. In the same way that sometimes toddlers just need their Mum, and no one else will do – not even Daddy. This can be true whether you are in a wonderful relationship, a crappy relationship or no relationship. Sometimes you’ve just gotta get in there and hug yourself!

A Deep, Out-Of-Control, Yet Safely Held Moment

This week I worked with a client in his 30’s who had undergone a very traumatic event when he was 18. Out of the experience a great deal of positive inner searching, personal and spiritual growth had come and yet he, his 18 year old traumatised consciousness, was still somehow alone and locked down. For all the work he’d done and help he’d got, this inner kid needed to feel it. He needed to down-to-his-bones know: he wasn’t alone anymore. He needed THAT kind of hug.

And no, I didn’t give him that hug. I simply helped him to realise the man he’d become was the one that his 18 year old self was looking for. And helped him to realise that the man he’d become was ready; that all that he’d been through, all that he’d been inspired to learned and all the ways that he’d grown meant he could finally meet his younger self, hold him and give him THAT kind of hug.

It was indeed a deep, out-of-control yet safely held moment. And although he hardly moved a muscle – it was a deeply physical experience and the key that unlocked his long held defences and set him on the road to outward fulfilment.

Your Turn

So, if you’re alone this Valentines, or at any time – whether you’re single or in a relationship but not getting that hug – perhaps it’s you you’re looking for – and you wont settle for less. If you can even begin to connect emotionally with my description of ‘THAT kind of hug’ or it points you to your own description that you can connect with then you’ve gone a long way to finding the perfect love today.

If you wanna go for it, then…

I invite you to imagine there’s a younger self that’s looking for THAT kind of hug today. It doesn’t matter how old she or he is – whatever age ‘you’, shows up in your sense or imagination is perfect. And if there are many – form a queue – there’s plenty of hugs to go around, and just pick one for now.

Once you have a sense of them, just feel, sense or see yourself go over to them and connect. You’re ready, so just take them in your arms and give them THAT kind of hug. If it helps to re-read my description – great, do that. Or simply feel your way through it organically – you know what they need. You know what you need. Hug it out.

And if you would like help with that, you know where I am.

This is my Universal hug for you this fine day, and I hope it touches your heart and makes your world a little brighter.

Please share the hugging love and let me know what you experienced in the comments.

[JY-General-Bio]

14 Festive FUBARs You Shouldn’t Take Personally

Your Gift... Is in the litter boxRemembering to not take things personally is a very freeing perspective.

However, in the stressy moments where you could most benefit from this awareness, it can be a challenge to truly connect to it. This, of course, is one of the areas where using The NPA Process can really help you! :0)

That being said, as the busy festive season presents intense opportunities to take things personally and stress out, I thought I’d make a list of some common situations where you might be tempted to make it personal.

The list is written as a set of invitations to remember that it’s NOT personal. Having this thought ‘pre-loaded’ in your awareness will help you feel much freer, easier and able to entertain a genuine smile. Think of it as preventative medicine as you read them and drink in the notion that you can easily remember that it’s not personal should any of these situations occur.

Get Set For A Christmas without Taking Things Personally…

NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme gives you the core training for The NPA Process so you can start taking yourself from triggered states and stress to centred-ness and peace in as little as 45 seconds…”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

The Run Up

1. When you’re jostled in the supermarket aisle, remember: It’s Not Personal
2. Shopping frenzy is in the air… remember: It’s Not Personal
3. If someone sends harsh words your way, remember that fundamentally It’s Not Personal ♥
4. If you didn’t get a snog at the Christmas party, remember: It’s Not Personal ;0)
5. If you get a headache, remember: It’s Not Personal
6. If you’re hit with a bug or the flu this Christmas, remember: It’s Not Personal ♥

Christmas Day

7. If the kids don’t express eternal gratitude remember: It’s Not Personal ;0)
8. If you don’t feel very well on the big day, remember: It’s Not Personal ♥
9. When your mother makes one of her remarks, remember: It’s Not Personal
10. If you don’t win any of the cracker pull-offs… remember It’s Not Personal ;0)
11. When your family get fractious over Christmas, remember: It’s Not Personal

Boxing Day

12. If they forgot to call you, remember: It’s Not Personal ♥
13. As you nurse a hangover, remember: It’s Not Personal ;0)
14. If you’re stuck in Boxing Day traffic, remember: It’s Not Personal

Have a Merry Christmas – and remember: It’s Not Personal!

[JY-General-Bio]

Are You Suffering From Arrogance Of The Heart?

Embrace Mind Heart and InstinctDemonise the mind and become ignorant
Demonise the heart and become passionless
Demonise the instinct and become passive

Embrace them all as your best companions…
And become amazing in all the ways that matter to you!

Embrace Mind, Heart & Instinct

This is an invitation to embrace the human mechanisms of experience. Our tendancy to raise one particular aspect of ourselves to dominance and demonise (or make less than) the rest can reduce the fullness of our experience.

The Rise & Fall of Prominence

In openness and presence you can ride the rise and fall of prominence of each faculty as you meet each moment.

One of the traps in the modern Spiritual and Personal Growth landscape is that an ‘arrogance of the heart’ can emerge where the mind and instincts become denied.

This can be AS debilitating as the more prevelant trend on the planet; that of promoting the mind and mental faculties over the others.

Seductive Snares On The Spiritual Path…

Here are some scenarios to help you get a sense of what some of these traps can look like in experience with some suggestions on steps you can take  to free yourself and move towards wholeness…

Bare in mind in the scenarios below that ‘Do you ever‘ is not saying ‘you should never…‘ These questions are simply an opportunity to self reflect and bring more awareness to where you may be selling yourself short…

Also, this is by no means a complete list, but I have chosen to focus on the main traps that I see people on the spiritual path fall into…

TRAP: Demonising the mind…

Do you ever hear yourself say ‘Oh, that’s just my mind’, perhaps in a dismissive or self-reproaching tone? Dismissing the mind is dismissing part of you. It’s dismissing one of the avenues of communication that the Universe has to connect with and guide you. It’s not that the mind doesn’t come up with some unhelpful rubbish, but let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater!

The Mind is Not BadTHE MOVE TOWARDS WHOLENESS: Embracing the mind…

Soften your judgement of the mind. Be willing to hear it out – it might have a point! The mind is not bad, it’s just a like puppy. Sometimes it pees on the floor. Start being gentle but clear in response and it will grow up to be a faithful companion. Also it loves to fetch information – a very useful thing!

TRAP: Demonising your instincts…

If you have a problem saying ‘no’, making decisions or asserting yourself, there’s a very good chance you have learned to supress and demonise your instincts. This can be the scourge of nice spiritual people whose identity has become invested in ideas that promote positivity, love and joy and spell out dire consequences if less than rosey emotions are entertained.

THE MOVE TOWARDS WHOLENESS: Embracing your instincts…

Question any tendancy to be passive. Of course there are times when it’s good to be lead, however there’s a difference between actively and passively arriving in that role. Check with yourself whether any reticence to say no, make a decision or assert yourself is really to do with fear of conflict?  The main job of embracing your instincts though, is in getting comfortable with unsettling feelings and learning to relate to them in ways that give you access to tremendous life-force and clarity. As the instincts are born from the gut I also recommend spending some time focusing your awareness about 2cm beneath the navel.

TRAP: Elevating the heart above mind and instinct…

If you want to fall into both of the above traps simultaneously, you can’t beat this as a strategy. If you hear yourself say ‘Listen to your heart’ but never hear yourself say ‘Trust your gut and go with your instincts’ or ‘Think about it for a moment’ – be aware that you may have slipped into this seductive little snare. So what’s the problem? The heart is super lovely and all Soulful is it not? Well, yes it does hold a beautiful perspective, but not necessarily always the most healthy perspective – ask anyone who has stayed in a relationship way past it’s sell-by date because their heart could see the potential and longed for it to be so, even as every instinct was screaming MOVE ON!

THE MOVE TOWARDS WHOLENESS: The Humble Heart…

The humble heart is always available to offer it’s beautiful perspective but is open to the swift clean knowing of the instinct and the 3D rationality of the mind. Together these three pistons are the engine of your life force. They pump power to your purpose and, when allowed to work with the rhythm and harmony of life, will carry you Gracefully through the adventures of your life experience.

Embrace them all as your best companions…

So, be open to the instincts, the rational mind and the heart and trust the natural rhythm in which each of them takes the lead.

If you would like a helping hand getting to this harmony where all of these faculties are fully available and free, give me a call – you can use the link here or below to set up 10 minutes for a chat.

Peace and wholeness my friends…

Joel Young
http://www.NonPersonalAwareness.com

Please SHARE if this resonates, and comments are welcome

[JY-General-Bio]

How To Parent Yourself & Get Liberation From Your Personal History

Parent YourselfIn my many years of self-healing and working with countless clients, I noticed that most painful behaviours were born from ‘child consciousness’ or young identities within us that are looking for something… Love, protection, acknowledgement, understanding etc etc…

The child energy seeks parental energy… And yet we tend to “personalise” parental energy, and therefore limit it’s origin to our parents and carers.

An Unmet Need

So if the flow of parental energy through these fine people is shaped in a way that didn’t connect with our various child energies, an unmet need is generated which becomes a deep and unfulfilled longing.

Our proclivity to personalise the source of our fulfillment generally puts us on a path that seeks for it directly from them. Or, as we move through life, from surrogates like spouses or even our own children. Sometimes there’s a blessing, and through another the need is met, is able to be fully received and the spirit moves forward.

But for the most part the seeking patterns we adopt, the unresourcefulness of those we beseech or the sadly inadequate communication skills of either party leaves the longing unmet. Our frustration and sense of failure adds insult to injury. Confused and with no alternative we soldier on, deeper into unfulfilling territory.

The Good News

The good news is: If you parent yourself in all the ways you wish you had been parented, then Love will run amok in your heart, where need once did.

Through the notion of self-parenting I was liberated from my personal history and then discovered some GREAT news! Parental energy is non-personal and can joyfully flow through you to your child energies in exquisitely precise ways.

One way is with an NPA tool that is taught at The NPA Expansive Weekend and I use a lot in my sessions called the ‘Parental Integration Frame’. In an elegant and easy way it allows me to elicit your hidden perspective on what needs to happen (in the parental energies) in order to create the ideal parental conditions. Then you can discover and access what’s been truly longed for but never fulfilled. Using NPA we then work to balance and shift the parental energies to meet those conditions, allowing the longing to be experienced and fully received.

Although this process is simple and quick (It takes less than half an hour) it can be highly emotional and has a huge impact on people’s lives. The process doesn’t ask you to get into the historical story of what should or shouldn’t have happened, it cuts straight to core of what truly matters to you, as the child of somebody; then, now and always.

The Foundation Of Our Wellbeing

Our parental energies, in many ways, are the foundation of our wellbeing. It took me a lot of journaling, crying, story telling, blaming, journey processing and relationship breaking before it dawned on me that I could parent myself. Coming up with a simple way to share that has just been the icing on the cake.

The Parental Integration Frame doesn’t require you to figure out what conditions are required to allow your longing to land in you. It uses a simple technique to bypass the analytical mind which, I have found, makes for a vastly accelerated healing.

Nonetheless I began self-parenting even before I created the Integration Frame and so I want to leave you with an inquiry – something to sit with and help you down the road of self-parenting.

Contemplate this inquiry…

“What is the essence of what my inner child longs for?”

Then you might like to ask yourself:

“How might I give that to myself?” and
“When would be a good time?”

I’d love to hear your answers in the comments below and, of course, any questions.

I also invite you to share (see the special bonus for that below) x

Joel Young, Father & Mother of Himself and Originator of NPA.
http://www.NonPersonalAwareness.com/

 

[JY-General-Bio]