Be A Brilliant Human

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Episodes You Might Like

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“Being Ready” The Power of NPA in Pregnancy & Birth

Being Ready

Guest post by Charlotte Kanyi

In a post on my own site, I spoke of my journey from unreadiness to readiness, from worry to inner calm, and from obsession over my long, long list of ‘absolute essentials’ to complete before birth should happen, to no worry and no list.

I spoke of my growing ability to rest, relax and allow readiness to be.

I spoke of learning surrender to the unknown and trust as I birthed my child and dropping my to do lists in favour of actually doing, with ease and flow.

Here, I am sharing with you how I made this significant transition with relative ease using NPA, a tool I also use in my 1:1 sessions to facilitate powerful transformation.

The shift that evening from feeling distinctly NOT ready and worried about how to get everything sorted in time, to going into labour and giving birth from a place of being ready was almost instantaneous, quite surprising and has had long lasting deepening effects on me and my ability to take action.

What is NPA?

NPA stands for Non Personal Awareness, a deceptively simple yet enormously effective tool that brings you into harmony and flow with what truly matters to you. It is a short six line process that effortlessly aligns the energy of your experience, releasing blocks and stuckness and allowing into your experience that which you’ve been keeping at bay.

Alternatively as Joel Young, the creator and custodian of NPA, taught it to me, “letting the yucky stuff out and letting the yummy stuff in.” He describes non-personal awareness as a living, breathing perspective says,

“The NPA process is a simple way to invite it into your life, engage with the freedom it brings and begin sustainable change for a better life experience.”

For those intrigued and eager to try it out click here to find out more about NPA and download a free worksheet. For those remaining keep reading to discover some of the possibilities of NPA in action with my story of clearing needless worry about being ready and another glimpse into some of the intimate details of the birth of my second child.


On the evening in question having cleaned the bathroom, (Job 1 on the endless list of essential preparations according to the worried, time pressured and desperately nesting version of me.) I’d settled in to a conference call evening of NPA sharing with the NPA Community. The Theme that evening was birth!

Little did I know that barely four hours later I’d be holding my second child in my arms in awe and wonder in that very same bathroom.

During the call I spent an enjoyable hour bringing in the energies of confidence and trust.

Throughout my pregnancy these two themes were pretty constant companions and the focus of much of the inner clearing work I was doing to prepare for the arrival of my child.

By the night of the 24th June I was feeling confident in my body, I trusted my ability to birth. I had negotiated numerous hurdles and challenges along the way that had all served to help me to consciously choose the circumstances of my birth from an empowered grounded inner strength and to trust in these decisions.

Yet I still wasn’t fully relaxed and enjoying that in-between time of a fully formed baby inside an expectant mother enjoying the last twilight hours of their shared physical existence before the next chapter begins.


NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”


A persistent niggling worry

I was aware of a persistent niggling worry about what I still had to do in order to be ready. Accompanied by an equally insistent murmur in the recesses of my mind about the potential pitfalls of not knowing my midwife.

These unhelpful thoughts battled with the deeper sense of trust and confidence I felt when I tuned in. Try as I might, I couldn’t banish them completely and I was restless. I was worried about unknown factors I couldn’t fathom or plan for by their very nebulous unfounded nature, even as I was aware of trust in the universe and in my body.

This background noise and tension was not so loud but was real nonetheless and resided just under the surface of my day to day awareness. I had been doing what most of us have a tendency to do from time to time, pushing it to one side and ignoring it, telling myself I was being daft. As usual the universe had my back and was bringing me answers to my deep prayers almost before I was aware of what I needed.

In this case it brought me help in the form of two NPA ‘cookie cutters’ borrowed from a friend. That’s right, they weren’t even mine initially. Another thing I have learnt. I don’t have to be the one to know or come up with all the answers. The answers will come and will be available if I am listening and remain open.

Back to the current story though. As I heard my friend share her experience with the energy of ‘The Unknown’ and ‘Being Ready’ I knew with a strong intuitive hit in my gut that these were ‘mine’ too.

I put the phone down and took both phrases through the NPA words.

‘The Unknown’

First up ‘The Unknown.’

All my fears about not knowing which midwife would be on duty and that something untoward may occur and endanger my birth choices surfaced. Crazy thoughts that giving birth the first time was just a fluke and I would totally fail at it this time. Panic and terror at not knowing what was coming next and whether I could handle it overwhelmed me.

I sat still.

I felt it would last forever. I nearly despaired.

I sat still some more.

It passed.

All the fears melted away into a mist of unnecessary unknowables.

I smiled as joy bubbled through the mist. I relaxed as inner peace dispersed the mist. I was at peace with not knowing, not knowing what would happen in my birth experience, when it would start, who would be there, content to wait out the future. It had been perhaps 5 minutes but it could have been hours or a lifetime. I didn’t care.

This shift is simple to write in just a few lines. Easy to read fast, gloss over and keep reading. I invite you to read it again and let it sink in.

Imagine how it would feel to be living with fear as the backdrop and then imagine the contrast of living from a peaceful place. Really, I invite you to take some time to appreciate the depth of this through my words as I can’t begin to do justice with how transformative for me this change in perspective was at this time. This kind of shift has been my repeated experience with taking time to do inner work with tools such as NPA.

“Being Ready”

With a greater sense of ease in myself I moved onto NPA cookie cutter number 2 ‘Being Ready.’ This was quieter and more subtle yet with immediate measurable effect.

I stopped thinking about the list.

It was not today’s concern.

I smiled as I again naturally became aware of the inner strength and joy at my core and in my womb. I opened my eyes and felt my uterus contract…
This was totally unexpected.

Ironic really. I know how effective this tool is. It was a cookie cutter on ‘being ready’ right?

So I shift into a place of being ready and what happens? Yes, straight into labour.

I was ready.

I tried to tell myself it might be Braxton Hicks and it might stop and start and I had a few days or even weeks left yet.

But no, my body knew differently.

Just four hours later my baby popped out

Just four hours later my baby popped out (quite literally with a popping sound and a big splash!) into my waiting hands, slippery and warm to my fingers, crying already as I brought him in close to my heart. Quickly soothed by enthusiastic suckling, we gazed at each other. My delighted and euphoric laughter echoed round the bathroom as my husband stared in astonishment. ( He thought I needed water or something when I shouted for him to come.)

Very shortly, I was ready again; this time for some well deserved rest as I dropped off to sleep cradling my newborn in a warm cosy after-birth glow, deeply satisfied and powerfully transformed by the surprising turn of events that evening.

Learn How You Can Make Rapid Positive Shifts…

NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”


About The Author

Charlotte KanyiCharlotte Kanyi is a mother of three lively boys and founder of BirthEssence. She helps overwhelmed women transform their terror of birth and heal unresolved trauma so they can reconnect to their baby, rediscover their self belief and confidently create the birth they secretly dream of. When not working she loves to spend time in nature, be it climbing trees with her family, bivouacking in wild places or transforming her neglected garden into a multipurpose sanctuary. You can catch up with her on Facebook HERE  or follow her writing and access a free meditation HERE.

Is Fear Of Loss Holding You Back In Love?

Fear of loss in love effects many of us.

It can hold us back from loving fully.

It can hold us back from GIVING ourselves fully.

Perhaps it’s fear of the hole we feel in our heart when we cannot be with our beloved? Or fear that the rough and tumble of love’s path will leave our heart smashed and broken again?

But perhaps more than that, it’s the fear of sharing ourselves so very deeply?
You know: All that stuff inside us that we secretly believe is unlovable… should we find it can, against all odds, be loved… to have THAT taken away… well, it’s worse than death right?

But here’s the thing…

What if the whole point is the experience? What if being so vulnerably, deeply, rawly and beautifully open… what if sharing yourself with another so profoundly WAS the whole point of you embarking on the path of love?

What if you got to experience this depth of connection (even for a single moment) you would be enriched beyond your wildest dreams? And what if you remembered that the heartbreak (that may never come) is something you have survived and grown from before?

Love worth a damn… Passionate, pulsing, Soul stirring, dizzy making love… is rarely a painless path: It’s the classroom of transcendence and healing… It’s THE place to face your fears and ultimately find yourself.

Be brave and bold my friend – love is why you came here.

Get 1:1 support with Joel…

Kazy-Vincent Janes, a client from the UK said:

“A brilliant session and just perfect – thank you for amazing ability to hone and tune and hold and guide so superbly and uniquely for me”


Relational Growth: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Sometimes we fight for an idea of what we want a relationship to be rather than face what’s really here…

Part of the human condition I guess…

But at some point the truth kicks and kicks until it can be ignored no more…

Broadly speaking, there’s 3 ways to look at these situations.

If you wanted a snappy blog title, you could say, they’re the good, the bad and the ugly 😉 – although we’ll not take them in that order:


Good luck with that, and just wishing and wishing is a recipe for limbo.

Getting into a place of ‘needing’ or even ‘wanting’ THEM to change in order for you to be happy or fulfilled gives all your power away and puts an enormous amount of pressure on them and the relationship.

Dialogue can of course inspire your beloved to stretch and discover for themselves what’s true for them… But ultimately their shift must come from THEIR true inner desire to do so, or it will be unsustainable and only perpetuate the cycle.

This then, would be ‘The Bad”


Look at your dissatisfactions, your issues, your judgements and how they are mirrors for your internal world…

That, in my experience, can be a great use of any conflict brought on by the growth impulse. Certainly it can help you become more conscious of your own unhelpful patterns. But at some point it reaches its limits, actually becomes counter-productive and demands a relational collaboration…

If you put all the weight of relational responsibility on your shoulders (in other words, if you enter the mode of “I must fix myself to make the relationship work”)… Well, you’re actually disempowering your beloved and putting huge pressure on yourself. It’s a set up for relational failure. It puts you in a reactive, rather than pro-active state.

If your relationship is in a rocky space, and you take this road, you will, most likely, only cause yourself additional suffering…

It’s ‘The Ugly’


You get super clear on what YOU want to experience, let go of everything you’ve created in the relationship and open to where life is pointing you.

This drops any judgement of what they are, or are not doing.

It has no agenda for them, and doesn’t make ‘who you are’ wrong in anyway.

This may challenge you to set clear and healthy boundaries, but boundaries are a clear prayer to the Universe that lay out who you are, and what you wish to experience in your relational life.

You are simply saying from your own clarity “This is what I would like to experience, this is where I am heading. I’d love you to come and you are free to choose if that is what you want to”

It empowers them. It empowers you.

And any dialogue from this place, will come from a deeply wholesome space within you.

I strongly encourage you to trust that, even though it might get rough in the adjustment, what you want is also seeking you and life will find a way… with or without them…

This would be “The Good”

Letting Go Of The Outcome

The main objection I hear to “The Good” is an understandable fear of what you will set in progress by getting clear on what you want and speaking it.

Will it end the relationship? Am I being selfish? What will the larger consequences be?

We are so culturally trained to deny what we truly want, and cling on for grim death to the status quo. Letting go of what has been that is undesirable, is literally that. Letting go of what is undesirable. There are so many ways it can resolve into ‘the desirable’, and relationally that may be with or without the same person – but in the end, this is your life and you do deserve to live the life you desire.

The NPA Process is amazing for bringing you back to you and letting go of outcome, especially relationally. You can learn how to do it yourself with my video course. And if you would like some 1:1 support through this process of relational alignment, get in touch. You can find details of my sessions at

Get 1:1 support with Joel…

Kazy-Vincent Janes, a client from the UK said:

“A brilliant session and just perfect – thank you for amazing ability to hone and tune and hold and guide so superbly and uniquely for me”


8 Questions To Ask When You Feel Unloved By Your Partner

When it comes to ‘feeling loved’ by another, it is often actions that speak louder than words.

It seems a natural part of ‘life with a personality’, that we do so much better when we feel loved (adored or cherished even), when we feel seen and heard and that we matter to our lover.

Love Is Confirmed By Action

And for our sweet, innocent personalities, love is confirmed by actions. Actions that count. We can hear the words, but are there acts of love from the one you are with?

❤ Are there demonstrations of care?
❤ Is there a willingness to meet you where you are? To understand you? To come to you?
❤ Is there sharing? Is there intimacy?
❤ Is there true openness and honesty? Is there straightness rather than game playing?
❤ Are they *with* you in ways that matter? Do they take the time to know what matters to you and make that a high priority in their life (not as a compromise to self, but as a willing, wanting, natural act of love for you)?
❤ If they proclaim they are giving acts of love – are they the things that matter to you, or coming only from their own space… in other words is there empathy? Are they stepping off their own island and onto yours to discover you, to know you, to BE with you in your world?
❤ Are they doing what they can to help you feel less alone and less afraid at times when you are lost in that?
❤ Are they eager to give to you, as much as they are to receive from you?

These are great questions to ask, but bear in mind they are ideals.

The truth is, life as a mortal human in the 21st century, tends to be a little messier than that. None of us are perfect or complete when held up against an ideal… and life (and love with others) is more a dance than a static ideal.

The Dance

Ideals looks for stability and certainty… dancing is more an interplay of stability and chaos; Balance resolves to imbalance resolves to balance. Step by step a graceful dynamic whole is unveiled: The Dance.

So, if you are dancing with another in love… YOU are also part of the dance…

And here’s the rub, like the moon, we are all phaseal in relationship… each ‘other’ will have an ebb and flow of feeling in your direction, as you do in theirs. In other words… they are your chaos, as you are theirs… And so the anchor for that stability (the stable source of love) must be within the self and from the self.

So if the tick-box of ideals above is looking pretty bare and the energy is pulling you to seek stability as a counterpoint to chaos, then (without attachment to outcome) it’s time to come within.

A Stable Source of Love

As much as you can, focus on yourself and ground into what truly works for you. Take the first step and start dancing your way back to an acknowledgement of your own beauty, your own grace, your own loveable-mess, your own sexiness, your own desirability.

Don’t know the moves? Well remember…

For our sweet, innocent personalities, self-love is confirmed by actions. Actions that count. We can hear the words, but are there acts of self-love from the one you are with? (That would be you).

💚 Are there demonstrations of self-care?
💚 Is there a willingness to meet yourself where you are? To understand yourself? To come to you and be present with yourself?
💚 Are you sharing with you? Is there intimacy with yourself?
💚 Are you being truly open and honest with yourself? Are you being straight with yourself rather than avoidance and game playing?
💚 Are you *with* you in ways that matter? Do you take the time to know what matters to you and make that a high priority in your life (not because you ‘should’, but as a willing, wanting, natural act of love for you)?
💚 If you proclaim you are giving yourself acts of love – are they the things that matter to you, or coming only from someone else’s idea? In other words are you coming from your direct experience? Are you stepping off other people’s islands and back onto yours to discover you, to know you, to BE with you in your world?
💚 Are you doing what you can to help you feel less alone and less afraid at times when you are lost in that?
💚 Are you eager to give to you, as much as you are to give to them?

Again, bear in mind, these are ideals.

Never the less, they are good questions to ask yourself.


In your answers you will find the signposts that will walk you from where you are towards the deeper experience of life your heart is calling for… whoever you are dancing with.

Remember, we all need a helping hand sometimes; to find our centre, our clarity and the true source of love. This is an area of considerable experience for me, and NPA is a fabulous approach to use. So if this article rings bells for you and you’d like my help, check out your options HERE, and get in touch.

Get 1:1 support with Joel…

Kazy-Vincent Janes, a client from the UK said:

“A brilliant session and just perfect – thank you for amazing ability to hone and tune and hold and guide so superbly and uniquely for me”




NPA In The Heart of The Cree Nation [Video]

Staying Centred In A Hostile Environment & Healing Divided Families

This inspirational interview with Colby Tootoosis, a community leader in Poundmaker, Cree Nation is filled with heartwarming wisdom and reminds you of the difference each of us can make.

Colby shares how The NPA Process really helped him through his term of office, where his commitment to integrity ruffled the feathers of the establishment.

He also describes how he helped a family, divided by gang affiliations, to find peace, freedom and realisation with NPA.

And also how it has mended and strengthened his own personal relationships.

NPA: Healing Divisions In The Heart Of The Cree Nation


NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”



Craving The Softness Of Love


Has the rawness of love left you baffled?

Has it left you bruised and beside yourself with inexplicable feelings?

If so, then there’s a good chance that you are craving the softness of love.

Perhaps you crave forgiveness? Perhaps you crave kindness..? Tenderness..? Warmth..? Reassurance..?

You probably long for a soft place to land and to be soothed and understood?

Craving & Missing Needs

Craving in the emotional heart, just as in the physical body, is a sign of imbalance.

Physiological craving is a sign that the nutrients the body feels it needs are missing.
Emotional craving is a sign that the nurturing the heart feels it needs is missing.

There is also a tendency with craving to look outside… To search for a source.

In fact the most painful cravings are often where the source fixated on gives you something you could very well generate yourself and yet you form the habit of getting it from a singular external source which may be in limited supply.

For example the body naturally makes nicotine, yet a smoker will crave cigarettes as its source.

When the source is not around the cravings can go bananas – shouting and screaming in the body… Demanding that the source be acquired and consumed.

This pattern works as much in the heart as it does in the body.

Bad Idea

One solution of course is to find another, or maybe several other external sources; More drugs, more partners. But ultimately that creates a vicious cycle.

Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt.

And I see it time and again with new clients (and I say ‘new’ because we address this in our sessions):

There’s a thirst, a hunger, a desert-made desperation that comes from a lifetime of seeking and failing. And because I spent so long in that desert myself, I understand that we hide the need… even from ourselves… making it ‘not that important’, ‘not that bad’ or telling ourselves and others “I’ve got it handled”.

It can be hard to admit it, but if deep down your heart still aches and craves… you know your kidding yourself.

What to do then?

This is one of those answers that the craver rarely likes. But here goes:

You must find your own softness…
Your own kind sweet loving self…
Your own reassuring, tender warmth.

It’s at your centre where balance is effortless.

But the road there is not without its challenges…


Going there may mean you need to meet the powerful emotions that have guarded your gate for eons. Perhaps it’s rage, perhaps it’s terror, perhaps it’s the deepest unworthiness?

And meeting them is likely the near opposite of the comfort you’re after. It’s that rawness again.

So it’s really a choice:

To see it through and meet yourself and the freedom it brings.
Or turn back to the false comfort of craving and go round the circle again.

One of the great things about having NPA at your disposal though, is that often meeting those deep uncomfortable spaces can be quicker and easier than perhaps you’ve experienced before. In fact the primary hurdle is often the decision you have to make; whether that’s to do it yourself, or with the kindness of help.

Let me guide you to the softness of love with some 1:1 sessions…

Kazy-Vincent Janes, a client from the UK said:

“A brilliant session and just perfect – thank you for amazing ability to hone and tune and hold and guide so superbly and uniquely for me”


But if I am what I am seeking will I be alone..?

No sweetheart.

It’s not about you OR relationship.

It’s about experiencing a relationship WITHOUT YOU… OR experiencing a relationship WITH YOU.

And the latter is Divine, juicy, free and delicious…

No cravings required…

Big soft love my friend ❤️🙏🏼❤️


Strong Boundaries & Self Love


This has been the toughest post I’ve ever had to write.

It seems I came here this life time to deal with and heal various forms of abuse.

Sexual abuse when I was 7.

Domestic violence in my 30’s.

And this year, public and private attack via social media.

This year I reached my “NO MORE!”

Crippled By Civility

In the first two cases I had been crippled by civility, reasonableness and a general unwillingness to admit to myself the hideousness of the behaviour of the perpetrator. So I wasn’t free ‘in the moment’ to stand up for myself, say no and get help.

With sexual abuse there is an incredibly confusing mix of pain and pleasure… after all, the physical pleasure centres are being stimulated even as there is terror and pain. But that pleasure brings shame and causes you to doubt yourself at the deepest level and keep it quiet. Anyone who has experienced this understands.

With domestic abuse, when you are a man, there’s a particular confusion… The story goes: “You’re a man, she’s a woman… it’s different when a woman hits a man, you’re stronger… so what’s your problem? Be a man about it!…” (You might be surprised to know that I heard this from women more than men at the time). And the inner response to that goes: “If you complain, perhaps you’re weak, perhaps you’re not really a man” Again, pulling deep on a fundamental identity, causing you to doubt yourself and keep it quiet.

And now with social media abuse, well… you know the line: “It’s just not very civilised, mature, spiritual or enlightened to make any public mention of it… It just gets into public battles, fuels gossip, makes YOU look petty… so better hold the higher ground and say nothing”… which is kinda like “Grin and bear it little boy” or “Be a man”…

Silence Protects The Perpetrator

If unchallenged and kept in the dark, abuses remain in shadow. We have seen it recently in the UK with many TV personalities who committed child abuse for years, finally brought to task. But the ‘civilised’ brush under the carpet approach had kept their behaviour alive for years.

Unchallenged, untruths and slanders broadcast on social media… Those poisonous thoughts, plausibly presented, that stick in people’s minds and influence their perspective… tend to remain and DO have an impact. It’s abusive, plain and simple.

There’s a strange and damaging phenomenon that commonly occurs in abuse cases: By heeding the advice and succumbing to the pressure to ‘not make a fuss’ and ‘keep quiet’, the person on the receiving end, ends up actually protecting the perpetrator by their silence.

For me, one of the biggest lessons throughout, and especially this year, has been that holding strong boundaries is a HUGE act of self love…

In the interests of ‘not keeping quiet’, I’m going to share a little of what happened this year and how I ‘held my boundary’.

But first, I want to address the damaging civility, especially as I have seen it show up in the spiritual and personal growth realms, that may prevent you from holding strong boundaries at times… So let’s take a clear look at boundaries:


“The river needs a boundary to find itself, and flow”

The river is not its banks, yet it requires them to be what it is.

In the same way, we are not our boundaries and yet our boundaries define who we are in the world of experience.

In spiritual growth there’s a lot of focus on connecting with your boundless ‘true’ nature, and that can be a wonderful thing.

The Non-Personal perspective, however, reminds you that there are many aspects of Self that go to make up our human experience. Including boundlessness AND the experience of everyday humanity.

It encourages you to receive the gift of wholeness which comes from noticing and honouring all their expressions.

A human life is full of contrasting experience. And boundaries can become a very important part of self care.

Historically I had no sense of personal boundaries. More of a puddle than a river. This was an expression of my identification with the idea that I didn’t matter. To assert boundaries would be an inconvenience to others.

I had a long spell of personal healing and deep emotional work, which did me a lot of good, but was underpinned with a philosophy that strongly identified Self with boundlessness… “I” still didn’t matter, after all “I” wasn’t real anyway… Just the illusion. So I still ran into all sorts of painful ‘boundary’ issues in my personal life.

Today, after 9 years of NPA, after 9 years of re-membering my WHOLE self… I am very clear on my boundaries. I’m very clear that I matter.

I am willing to be an inconvenience to the rock as I carve the valley, and leave my mark on the landscape.

The river of my life experience is clear and cherished and honoured for the path it takes.

The Universe, it seems, likes a test… and what happened this year certainly called me to back up those words with real-world action.

A Huge Act Of Self Love

No More!

As I said at the beginning, I reached my “NO MORE”… And this email is part of that… part of my prayer to the Universe that says I’m not going to be civilised, protective of the abuser or deny my instinctual need to roar… It’s the inconvenient truth, I’m finally willing to say.

I could go into to every sordid detail of what has happened. I’ve certainly written it all out a number of ways while composing this email, which while good therapy for me, does’t really serve you.

So I’m going to give you the bare-bones version and move onto how I chose to hold my boundary. Then I’ll share the key lesson I learned along the way, as best I understand it now, given that, in terms of the Anatomy of the Dark Night, I feel I’m still in stage 5 (Rebirth) and not quite fully in Stage 6 (Understanding).

So here goes… This is my “not keeping it quiet”… This is my NO MORE….

In the period from the end of December last year (2015), through to August this year (2016), my Ex engaged in behaviour that the police later described to me as “Very high on our own scale of harassment”

In a nutshell, she posted publicly on Facebook claiming I had “run off with another woman”, who she named… rallying a lot of support and bad feeling in my direction. What her Facebook friends (including 500 mutual friends, clients and customers) weren’t told, was that in the background she was sending streams of abusive, character assassinating texts and emails to me, and on several occasions sent unbelievably offensive emails direct to the person she considered ‘the other woman’.

The public posts happened after I had repeatedly asked her to stop, and when she hadn’t, I myself stopped responding… finally blocking her on every medium I could 8 months after it started. I guess she felt the public posts were her only route to continue her striking out.

In the end it has taken police intervention to bring it to a stop. And as you can probably guess, the police don’t get involved for just a few angry post-split interactions, which seem to be a normal, or at least common, part of the break up process in the digital age.

For the record, my Ex’s claim is not true, and she herself has told me face to face that she’s well aware that it is not.

The simple truth is, I left because of fundamental issues in our relationships with nobody else involved… I felt I had to leave because we had different dreams, different values and an unresolvable gap between the things that truly mattered to us.

Her justification, even to the police, was that she was hurt.

Feeling hurt when your partner of 6 years ends the relationship is very understandable. But we all have choices about what we do with those feelings.

And I had a very clear boundary around that:

While she is absolutely entitled to her feelings, she is definitely not entitled to slander or hurl abuse at me or anyone else she makes assumptions about.

I consider my life choices AFTER we split to be very much my choices to make. Very much my business and we were blocked from seeing each other others posts on all social media platforms from very early on… people block each other when they split, precisely to give each other space to move on… even so, it seems she saw them (there are always ways if you look hard enough) and took offence, as my posts were often the trigger.

I had repeatedly asked her to stop and she hadn’t. It just escalated. Which is why I felt compelled to go to the police for support.

Holding my boundary, even though it was repeatedly ignored was a huge act of self love for me. My urges to sacrifice myself in the name of being ‘loving’, ‘nice’ or ‘spiritually compassionate’ frequently vied to take the reigns. But I held my boundary.

Going to the police and actually asking for support was a huge act of self love. It took a LOT of focused, active self love, in spite of my mind demons telling me how pathetic it was of me, to go get backup and have my boundary honoured.

And sharing it now… here with you, is a huge act of self love, as I have learned the pain of silence in these matters, have a deep commitment to doing things differently, and again I have been faced with fears of your judgement…

But this time I have NPA…. Speaking of which…

What About Not Taking It Personally?

It’s a very fair question, given all that I teach, so let me explain:

NPA is definitely not about deleting all challenging life experiences, or the lessons and growth they bring. It’s certainly true that there are times when it will be within the Souls remit to simply have NPA end the suffering and for life to move on. However, there are also times when the Soul has a lesson plan and there’s be no avoiding it. In these cases I often see that NPA facilitates a clearer, suffering-reduced and often surprising route through the terrain.

The NPA I have done around this has enabled me to not take anybody’s response to me expressing this personally… so rather than being gagged, I can say what needs to be said in a way which is healing for me and hopefully offers some insight to you. NPA has enabled me to say what needs to be said regardless of what anyone else might make of it, regardless of any scary consequences that my mind would have me believe and in spite of my previous history.

As you are probably aware, these hugely significant life experiences can continue to be your teacher through life. Exposing ever deeper aspects of your shadow, and ultimately revealing ever brighter expressions of your light. That’s certainly been my experience.

Key Lesson

The key lesson for me is that sometimes holding a boundary meets huge resistance both internal and external. Holding the boundary regardless may rattle your world, but brings a deep inner resting, scatters the demons that have kept you small and builds a stable inner confidence that only comes from a bedrock of huge self love.

If you’re in a challenging boundary issue, the circumstances may be asking you:

• Do you love yourself enough to maintain your boundary in the face of the resistance?
• Are you willing to meet the fears and external pressures and still honour you?
• Are you willing to be an inconvenience?
• Are you ready to step openly into the world, as by holding a boundary you become very visible…
• Are you ready for the change that will bring?

I know there were two things I HAD to do before I could share all this. Firstly, I had to meet the ‘victim’ energy in me (I’ll cover this in a later post), and I had to NPA the heck out of all the responses I feared.

Just to be crystal clear, I’m not sharing this to illicit any kind of sympathy. I feel very empowered in relation to it now… though I couldn’t have said that in the midst of the dark night… I’m sharing it to honour myself, walk my talk and make a difference in the world.

And as ever I truly hope this inspires you to hold stronger boundaries, the willingness to speak up and ultimately continue to step more fully into beautiful you – especially should you experience any kind of abusive behaviour.

Get 1:1 support with Joel…

Kazy-Vincent Janes, a client from the UK said:

“A brilliant session and just perfect – thank you for amazing ability to hone and tune and hold and guide so superbly and uniquely for me”



An Offer Of Support:

As is often the way with therapists, facilitators and coaches I have helped countless clients who have experienced abusive situations find peace in their Souls, freedom from their past and a deep forgiveness they never thought possible. I also work with many people who suffer from the “I don’t matter syndrome” who tell me they come into a truly empowered place of loving and honouring themselves.

If YOU find you have difficulty with boundaries, you’re probably stuck in a rut and going nowhere… Maybe feeling worthless or trapped… Maybe finding you feel abused in some way…

If that’s your experience at all, I have to tell you, it is one of my passions to help people remember they matter.

And I’d love to help you uncover and honour your boundaries, discover your path and find your flow. Get you to a place where you’re carving your own valley and leaving YOUR mark on the landscape of your life.


PS If you find yourself judging what I have written as petty, unconscious, bitter or any such… Please ask yourself if you’ve ever DIRECTLY experienced this situation or are you coming from a conceptual notion of how you think someone OUGHT to deal with this, without any ACTUAL life experience of the situation? And if you think it’s ‘mean’ of me to ‘out’ my Ex in this way, I refer you back to how we are culturally pre-disposed to protect the abuser.

PPS. I’m aware that this blog is pretty raw, and may bring stuff up for you. So please know I am very open to feedback in the comments.



Are You Willing To Be An Inconvenience?


A huge part of awakening and healing is facing the uglier truths in yourself.

It’s not pretty.

It’s rarely neat & tidy.

But it’s a necessary part of the process.

The good news is, that when you really face some part of the shadow, the light of your awareness generally dispels it quickly. Certainly quicker than your mind would have you believe.

It’s the bursting of the abscess that stings, yet releases the poison and the pressure and allows the natural healing to begin…

Really Crap Dad

It’s June. The rain is pounding on the conservatory. I’m looking at a text from my daughter and feeling like a really crap Dad.

She feels hurt, and understandably so. She’s finished her 1st year university exams and I haven’t been in contact to ask her how they went.

“It’s not like you Dad” she says…

But if I’m honest with myself, since she went to University I’ve hardly initiated contact… “What the hell is that about?” I’m asking myself.

A very close friend is staying with me. She’s the kind of friend who says it straight. She has kids herself, so on this matter she’s got cred in my eyes. Seeing me looking distraught, she asks what’s going on.

I spew… and what comes out is how “I feel like an inconvenience”…

Reasons & Justifications

I have my reasons and justifications of course – all stories do… I’m estranged from her Mum, there’s been all sorts of challenges around access and visitations… and those have often been reflected in my daughter’s responses to my requests to see her… Now she’s at University and her Dad asking to see her is just gonna be an additional pressure on her… yada yada…

My friend calls it: “She’s your daughter for f*#ks sake! You’re her Dad. You’ve a right to be ‘an inconvenience’ if that’s what you are to her (which I doubt), and anyway, just call her and ask!”


I call my daughter. We have a real and emotional conversation. Things get sorted. We’ve been in a lot more contact since.


“You’ve a right to be an inconvenience”

My friend’s words ring in my ear and I decide to do some NPA around it. “This I feel like an inconvenience, This energy of I feel like an inconvenience…”

I run through the process… and the realisations tumble out of me…

My whole life I’ve felt like an inconvenience.
Me showing up is an inconvenience.
Me asserting myself, standing up for myself, pushing myself forward… all an inconvenience.

And being an inconvenience has definitely NOT been OK in my world… In fact, the fear and avoidance of being an inconvenience has threaded its way through every aspect of my life…

It’s limited me in my relationships, my career, my willingness to go for it in life.

Just to be clear, at this point I was no wall flower. Years of work on clearing my avoidance of confrontation, discovering that I matter, building my self confidence had made me a changed man from the shut down boy I had been… So it wasn’t that…

The Peculiar Nuance

It was the peculiar nuance of being an ‘inconvenience’… a subtle extra layer, that could ever so slightly (and yet ever so impact-fully) skew my behaviour… keep me ’not toooo big’… ‘Not toooo much’… ‘Not toooo me’.

It’s one of the wonderful things about NPA: In finding the animated cookie cutters, you are finding the highly leveraged expressions, which uniquely connect you to the energy that needs to shift… They’re the small hinges that open huge doors… In a few minutes, a core issue had simply left…

NPA lets in the yummy stuff as well as letting out the yucky stuff, and it was natural for me to follow up by NPA’ing “I’m willing to be an inconvenience”… and moments later, I knew there’d been a foundational shift in my world.

I felt strong, whole and free.

As it happened, the Universe was about to give me an opportunity to test drive the new me… I’ll tell you about that when we come to “Boundaries & Self Love” in the email after next… But for now let me offer you some more good questions to ask yourself…

Good Questions To Ask Yourself

• Do you ever hold back from asking for what you want? If so when? With whom?
• Do you ever avoid difficult conversations? If so when? With whom?
• Do you find yourself backing down when you’re making your point? If so when? With whom?
• Are you willing to be an inconvenience? If not, when? With whom?

If you recognise any of these as part of your experience then you can do some NPA to move things through and shift your reality.

For me the word ‘inconvenience’ was really animated… it really connected for me. There may be a different word or phrase, that points to this energy/behaviour for you, so be open to that too.

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This was one of those times where my background shifted… My relationship to myself was fundamentally changed in a deeply impactful way. I AM willing to be an inconvenience, and my invitation to you (if you’re not there yet) is to find that willingness in you.

Love & Blessings



What Is True Intimacy?

What Is True IntimacyFor me, intimacy is about listening and deeply hearing.

It’s about empathy and feeling – not just broadcasting your own feelings and ideas but connecting with the other’s:
It requires going beyond the self.

It’s about letting go into each other, surrendering in physical and emotional exploration, just for the love of it and nothing more.

True intimacy can seem paradoxical.
It is the risk of sharing AND the risk of receiving.

In sharing you might not be received.
In receiving, you might not be right… oh dear…

But intimacy, my friend, is worth the risk.

There can, of course, be love without intimacy…
Love can stand alone…

But intimacy takes two wall-less wonder-ers…
Two willing risk takers…

Exploring each others realms…