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“Being Ready” The Power of NPA in Pregnancy & Birth

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Being Ready

Guest post by Charlotte Kanyi

In a post on my own site, I spoke of my journey from unreadiness to readiness, from worry to inner calm, and from obsession over my long, long list of ‘absolute essentials’ to complete before birth should happen, to no worry and no list.

I spoke of my growing ability to rest, relax and allow readiness to be.

I spoke of learning surrender to the unknown and trust as I birthed my child and dropping my to do lists in favour of actually doing, with ease and flow.

Here, I am sharing with you how I made this significant transition with relative ease using NPA, a tool I also use in my 1:1 sessions to facilitate powerful transformation.

The shift that evening from feeling distinctly NOT ready and worried about how to get everything sorted in time, to going into labour and giving birth from a place of being ready was almost instantaneous, quite surprising and has had long lasting deepening effects on me and my ability to take action.

What is NPA?

NPA stands for Non Personal Awareness, a deceptively simple yet enormously effective tool that brings you into harmony and flow with what truly matters to you. It is a short six line process that effortlessly aligns the energy of your experience, releasing blocks and stuckness and allowing into your experience that which you’ve been keeping at bay.

Alternatively as Joel Young, the creator and custodian of NPA, taught it to me, “letting the yucky stuff out and letting the yummy stuff in.” He describes non-personal awareness as a living, breathing perspective says,

“The NPA process is a simple way to invite it into your life, engage with the freedom it brings and begin sustainable change for a better life experience.”

For those intrigued and eager to try it out click here to find out more about NPA and download a free worksheet. For those remaining keep reading to discover some of the possibilities of NPA in action with my story of clearing needless worry about being ready and another glimpse into some of the intimate details of the birth of my second child.

Synchronicity

On the evening in question having cleaned the bathroom, (Job 1 on the endless list of essential preparations according to the worried, time pressured and desperately nesting version of me.) I’d settled in to a conference call evening of NPA sharing with the NPA Community. The Theme that evening was birth!

Little did I know that barely four hours later I’d be holding my second child in my arms

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Little did I know that barely four hours later I’d be holding my second child in my arms in awe and wonder in that very same bathroom.

During the call I spent an enjoyable hour bringing in the energies of confidence and trust.

Throughout my pregnancy these two themes were pretty constant companions and the focus of much of the inner clearing work I was doing to prepare for the arrival of my child.

By the night of the 24th June I was feeling confident in my body, I trusted my ability to birth. I had negotiated numerous hurdles and challenges along the way that had all served to help me to consciously choose the circumstances of my birth from an empowered grounded inner strength and to trust in these decisions.

Yet I still wasn’t fully relaxed and enjoying that in-between time of a fully formed baby inside an expectant mother enjoying the last twilight hours of their shared physical existence before the next chapter begins.

THE NPA PROCESS: BASIC TRAINING…

NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

A persistent niggling worry

I was aware of a persistent niggling worry about what I still had to do in order to be ready. Accompanied by an equally insistent murmur in the recesses of my mind about the potential pitfalls of not knowing my midwife.

These unhelpful thoughts battled with the deeper sense of trust and confidence I felt when I tuned in. Try as I might, I couldn’t banish them completely and I was restless. I was worried about unknown factors I couldn’t fathom or plan for by their very nebulous unfounded nature, even as I was aware of trust in the universe and in my body.

This background noise and tension was not so loud but was real nonetheless and resided just under the surface of my day to day awareness. I had been doing what most of us have a tendency to do from time to time, pushing it to one side and ignoring it, telling myself I was being daft. As usual the universe had my back and was bringing me answers to my deep prayers almost before I was aware of what I needed.

In this case it brought me help in the form of two NPA ‘cookie cutters’ borrowed from a friend. That’s right, they weren’t even mine initially. Another thing I have learnt. I don’t have to be the one to know or come up with all the answers. The answers will come and will be available if I am listening and remain open.

The power of The NPA Process in pregnancy and birth (guest blog by Charlotte Kanyi of BirthEssence.co.uk)

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Back to the current story though. As I heard my friend share her experience with the energy of ‘The Unknown’ and ‘Being Ready’ I knew with a strong intuitive hit in my gut that these were ‘mine’ too.

I put the phone down and took both phrases through the NPA words.

‘The Unknown’

First up ‘The Unknown.’

All my fears about not knowing which midwife would be on duty and that something untoward may occur and endanger my birth choices surfaced. Crazy thoughts that giving birth the first time was just a fluke and I would totally fail at it this time. Panic and terror at not knowing what was coming next and whether I could handle it overwhelmed me.

I sat still.

I felt it would last forever. I nearly despaired.

I sat still some more.

It passed.

All the fears melted away into a mist of unnecessary unknowables.

I smiled as joy bubbled through the mist. I relaxed as inner peace dispersed the mist. I was at peace with not knowing, not knowing what would happen in my birth experience, when it would start, who would be there, content to wait out the future. It had been perhaps 5 minutes but it could have been hours or a lifetime. I didn’t care.

This shift is simple to write in just a few lines. Easy to read fast, gloss over and keep reading. I invite you to read it again and let it sink in.

Imagine how it would feel to be living with fear as the backdrop and then imagine the contrast of living from a peaceful place. Really, I invite you to take some time to appreciate the depth of this through my words as I can’t begin to do justice with how transformative for me this change in perspective was at this time. This kind of shift has been my repeated experience with taking time to do inner work with tools such as NPA.

“Being Ready”

With a greater sense of ease in myself I moved onto NPA cookie cutter number 2 ‘Being Ready.’ This was quieter and more subtle yet with immediate measurable effect.

I stopped thinking about the list.

It was not today’s concern.

I smiled as I again naturally became aware of the inner strength and joy at my core and in my womb. I opened my eyes and felt my uterus contract…
This was totally unexpected.

Ironic really. I know how effective this tool is. It was a cookie cutter on ‘being ready’ right?

So I shift into a place of being ready and what happens? Yes, straight into labour.

I was ready.

I tried to tell myself it might be Braxton Hicks and it might stop and start and I had a few days or even weeks left yet.

But no, my body knew differently.

Just four hours later my baby popped out

Just four hours later my baby popped out (quite literally with a popping sound and a big splash!) into my waiting hands, slippery and warm to my fingers, crying already as I brought him in close to my heart. Quickly soothed by enthusiastic suckling, we gazed at each other. My delighted and euphoric laughter echoed round the bathroom as my husband stared in astonishment. ( He thought I needed water or something when I shouted for him to come.)

“Just four hours later my baby popped out” Charlotte Kanyi on the power of NPA in pregnancy & birth

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Very shortly, I was ready again; this time for some well deserved rest as I dropped off to sleep cradling my newborn in a warm cosy after-birth glow, deeply satisfied and powerfully transformed by the surprising turn of events that evening.

Learn How You Can Make Rapid Positive Shifts…

NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

About The Author

Charlotte KanyiCharlotte Kanyi is a mother of three lively boys and founder of BirthEssence. She helps overwhelmed women transform their terror of birth and heal unresolved trauma so they can reconnect to their baby, rediscover their self belief and confidently create the birth they secretly dream of. When not working she loves to spend time in nature, be it climbing trees with her family, bivouacking in wild places or transforming her neglected garden into a multipurpose sanctuary. You can catch up with her on Facebook HERE  or follow her writing and access a free meditation HERE.

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Forgiving The Unforgivable: A True Story

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PART 2 of 2

She forgave the unforgivable.

And found self-love.

In part 1 of this 2 part article we looked at the myths that block us from forgiveness. Check it out If you haven’t yet read it.

Here I wanted to share Meredith’s story of forgiveness.

Meredith worked with me over several months and after 13 years of therapy, finally found a way to forgive and heal the emotional, mental and physical pain; the legacy of a history of childhood sexual and physical abuse by family members.

These are acts that most people would deem unforgivable, but through her ability to forgive the ‘unforgivable’, Meredith was able to set herself free.

My wish is that her story inspires you, and shows you the possibility and benefit of finally forgiving your ‘unforgivables’

This is the story of her healing journey over those months with me, in her own words…

Part 2: Forgiving The Unforgivable
Meredith’s Story In Her Own Words

_____
And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time
Till touch down brings me ‘round again to find
I’m not the man they think I am at home
Elton John and Bernie Taupin
_____

Meredith Linden

Meredith Linden, Editor, Hawaii

At one point, I knew it would be a long, long time before I could blast off on my way back to myself.

I’m happy to say I’ve made it.

Sitting in my current state of being, I can now look back and appreciate the travels I’ve made, particularly in the last eight months.

I first reached out to Joel Young to stop being hit upside the head with my own trauma stories.

A year prior to meeting him, I had remembered specific trauma that had precipitated much of my life experiences to that point, including sexual abuse by nuclear family members, multiple attempted murders at the hands of those family members, and worse, complete hatred for who I was and a loss of spiritual connection.

Nothing In The External World Could Bring Me Peace

I had been in therapy for over 13 years, had overcome bipolar disorder and being medicated, and made huge life changes including owning my sexuality and moving to an island miles from anyone except my wife.

I had been able to make great needed external changes in my life, but the internal dialogues (or monologues as the case often was) and physical pain continued. Nothing in the external world could bring me peace to any real degree.

I worked with Joel on multiple levels, not just NPA. His story of overcoming the effects of abuse and his ability to be happy inspired me.

In Journey sessions, we revisited the past through portals in my body that were new to me. I learned how to hear what my body remembered as well as how to hold the memories for more information and release of pain. These sessions also allowed me to build a trusting relationship with Joel.

I moved on to six sessions of NPA and while we both thought I might go through them in fewer than six months, it ended up taking eight. It was a clear indication of my slowing down and my deeper work.

I learned how much I took everything personally and how much that was my greatest problem

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Through NPA with Joel, I learned how much I took everything personally and how much that was my greatest problem. I was identifying with everything from my trauma story to my own disinclinations.

If I had never liked this or that before, it will always be true.

The Biggest Gift

The biggest gift NPA offered me was to open myself to any possibility, including experiencing change just for the experience.

With endless possibilities at my fingertips, I could hone in on the one thing I’d searched for the last 50 years, to know myself.

The most important aspect of working with Joel was the fluidity and inherent wisdom with which he approached each session.

He never seemed to come with an agenda and though the first sessions were slotted for Journey work and the last six for NPA, he always allowed us to move however the energy guided us; there were times we used no specific tool.

His complete acceptance of my process, whatever it was, was so empowering, offering me the amazing opportunity to free myself of the “how,” focus on the “what,” and accept myself on ever deeper levels.

Joel’s language in matters of the soul, analogies, and humour added to our connection and my ultimate ability to construct more appropriate stories of myself and my life. I can now celebrate my journey by being; it is exactly what I wanted when I first talked to Joel.

What Mountain?

When Joel recently mentioned the mountain he watched me climb, I had the inclination to say, “what mountain?” From where I am, it no longer FEELS like it was a mountain. There is a lightness and fluidity to me and to my life now.

I worked through what I needed to work through but the most important take-aways are self-love, a desire to continue to unearth my spirit and purpose, a deep spiritual connection all my own, and an inherent ability to be present in any given moment and move from a place of listening deeply to life.

Meredith Linden,
Editor, Hawaii

Get 1:1 support with Joel…

Kazy-Vincent Janes, a client from the UK said:

“A brilliant session and just perfect – thank you for your amazing ability to hone and tune and hold and guide so superbly and uniquely for me”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

 

If Meredith’s story has affected you, raised questions or moved you, please do get in touch via the comments or through social media.

Your shares are also welcomed, as this article may well help someone else end a lifetime of suffering.

Jx

[JY-General-Bio]

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Finding An Endless Inner Light

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findinganendlessinnerlight

You know that feeling where something is just gnawing at your guts?

That feeling that won’t take spiritual niceties for an answer?

The kind of feeling that won’t settle for pseudo peace, or half-arsed happiness?

Well that discomfort, my friend, is an inner gift you’ve been nurturing, and it’s grown too big for your belly.

In this post I want to share how NPA helped me listen to that gnawing, let go of a lifetime of invalidation and find a genuine connection to an endless inner light.

I also want to offer you TWO powerful exercises to help you connect more with your core.

So, let’s get to the guts of it…

A Gnawing In My Guts

Almost a month had passed since the police had intervened in the harassment case and I was pretty sure the episode was over. All seemed quiet on the Ex front, and still…

I was aware that the defamatory posts were still out there in the public domain and I’d remained silent. Every time someone in the know would ask me if I felt clear and glad it was over, I would hear myself tell them “yes”… but the word, in my ears, was hollow.

In late September, my colleagues from The Inner Journey Clinic and I had our regular Skype chat. We meet for supervision and mutual support, so I took it to them to explore what the heck was still here with me.

At first it was suggested that I look at it through the eyes of radical self-responsibility. “How had I hurt her in an equivalent way?”

I really looked, but couldn’t find it. I could acknowledge that maybe indirectly there were rubbish things I’d done in the past with different people, or perhaps to her in previous lives..?

Big Fat No

But, to be honest, it really didn’t resonate, and I was getting a big inner red flag. Of course I checked myself to make sure it wasn’t just resistance… it wasn’t.

Something much deeper and truer was simply saying no.

All spiritual, self-help & therapeutic concepts have a context where they are relevant & times when they are not

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When wise people you respect, with the kindest of intentions, say rationale things that you know generally have a truth to them… it can be a challenge to disagree. But I knew that all spiritual, self-help and therapeutic concepts have a context where they are relevant, and times when they are not. So I held a strong boundary.

But something they said did hit a chord.

“You might want to look at the victim energy Joel”

Ouch!

That’s always gonna be a tough one to hear… The last thing that victim energy wants is to be, is called out… But, as I said in my post about the willingness to be an inconvenience, healing and awakening often start only when you acknowledge some ugly truths about yourself.

This time the ‘red flag’ was really a resistant ‘ouch’ and when I got truly honest with myself there was some truth to it.

I put it in my energetic escrow to look that one in the eye…

Finnish Angel

The very next day I had a pre-arrange catch up with my great Finnish friend, and certified NPA Teacher, Marja Koivisto.

She’s a great facilitator and has always had a knack for pinning me on my stuff.

She noticed my energy and physiology immediately… I was kind of crumpled over the table and pretty low.

“What’s going on Joel?” she asked, in her lyrical Scandinavian accent and a tone that clearly meant (to use the NPA vernacular) “Spew Mr Young!”

Just in case you don’t know, a ‘spew’ in NPA terms is an invitation to just let your mouth run on a subject. The NPA facilitator meanwhile listens for the key words or phrases that have an ‘animation’ about them and can then be used in The NPA Process.

I spewed…

At first I went through the yada yada of the updates on the case, but then I found myself describing an old memory:

I’m about 6 years old, in the car with my Mum, Aunt, sisters and cousins. It’s mid-summer and we’re setting off for a camping trip.

I’m the youngest, and my cousin Micky is the oldest. He’s being horrible to me, as usual. Teasing with a nasty edge.

I appeal to my Mum and my sisters, but no-one sticks up for me. They treat me like I’m being over-sensitive… and then I burst into tears.

Micky delights in this opportunity to mock me further. He mimics my wails and goads me: “Sing Joel, sing!” and, to my shock, it seemed like everyone laughed along!

Distraught and desperate I plead through my tears to my mother:
“He’s being horrible! Make him stop!”

“Oh c’mob” says my Mum, “He’s not that bad”

 

Shut Down

My experience is completely invalidated… Negated… I simply shut down.

As I continued to spew, I realised how this experience had completely killed my ability to acknowledge genuine mistreatment of me. It also became obvious that this experience was reflected in much of the abuse I’d experience through my life, including the latest online abuse from my Ex.

The energy was still alive in me. This time as: “She’s not that bad”

With my Ex in mind, Marja lead me through The NPA Process using that phrase.

A LOT of emotion,
a LOT of physical shaking,
and a LOT of energy release ensued…

As the waves died down, the inner validation and acknowledgement found its voice, and I spoke the words:

“She IS that f*&#ing bad”

Marja encouraged me to NPA that phrase as well, and I felt it link back not only to my recent Ex, but beyond… Back to the many other situations that I had made “Not that bad”… the domestic abuser, the sexual abuser and, of course, my teasing cousin.

Something Deep Inside Cracked Open

It was as if I could finally acknowledge my experience.

I was WILLING to experience it.

Something deep inside cracked open.

With my direct experience being honoured, validated and expressed, it was healed

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With my direct experience being honoured, validated and expressed, it was healed. Any victim energy that had been hanging out in that space just kind of resolved itself. It left.

And what I experienced next was profound…

I described it to Marja as best I could,

“It’s an energy… a feeling… a distinct presence… It’s like one of those quantum power generators, that once switched on provides power for eternity, simply by tapping into the quantum field. It feels like an eternally running engine inside my belly”

I was having a visceral experience of something I’d heard about so many times but had never truly connected to personally:

“My cup runneth over”

I’d so often heard this talked about in terms of love. “Love yourself first, fill up your cup with love” etc etc.

Word Magic
(A little heads up for the exercise to come)

word magicOne of the things I love most about NPA, is that it’s great for going beyond generalised words and terms.

You know the sort which sound good but don’t truly connect?

Words are magical, and each word we use activates neural pathways in our brain, firing off signals, sparking chemical reactions and influencing feelings, thought streams and physiology.

A common and misleading simplification, is the idea that each word has a distinct meaning that we all share

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A common and misleading simplification, is the idea that each word has a distinct meaning that we all share. While superficially this may be true… underneath the surface, we all have unique responses to each word we hear.

Each word activates our huge database of experience of the word. Which sections of that data surface is influenced by the context and the emotional tone. The possible variations in any given moment are mind-bogglingly huge.

A dog is a dog, but the dog you picture and the experience you have when reading that word is almost certainly very different to mine. It will be influenced by where you are (or have recently been), your current emotional state, any direct impactful experiences you’ve had with a dog and so much more…

• Language was born as an expression of the energy.
• Generalised agreed labels, which point to an experience or thing and enables us to conveniently relate and communicate.
• Then we started believing that the words were the thing.
• So now, most of the time, we impose language on our experience.
• And connection gets lost in translation.

 

‘My cup runneth over’ is an example of this for me. The words point to an experience. Those words worked for someone. Maybe they work for lots of people. Not for me.
The words don’t elicit the experience… there’s no magic in them.

But what if we allow our words, once more, to arise as expressions of the energy?

There’s an NPA technique I call an ‘Energy Read’ which does exactly that and Marja spotted that this was a beautiful time to use it…

The language… the fully connected label… the ’name’ which popped out of me for this experience was “Self Sustaining Aggression”.

It may seem like an odd, or unspiritual word, but to me it was perfect.

For me, it embodies a power source which could run all my boundary keeping, my willingness to be an inconvenience, my courage to face the uglier truths…

AND… to take care of myself, stand up in ways I hadn’t before, independent of any external source.

The words pointed to an endless inner light.

And just to reassure any spiritual sensitivities…

Aggression in this context is like the aggression a bloom requires to crack open the bud, the aggression that water expresses to carve through rock, the aggression a wolf unabashedly expression to feed and protect her cubs…

It’s a force of nature…. it’s alive in me now… and it’s made all the difference.

2 Powerful Exercises To Get You More Connected To Your Core…

I share these experiences with you, not to be cheered on or applauded or even to simply entertain… I share them with you to let you know that if you’re on this path you’re not alone, and by my experience I can help guide you on YOUR journey.

With that in mind I have a map in the form of some tasks I’m going to encourage you to do. Because if you want to actually find your endless inner light and not just massage the grey matter, then roll your sleeves up and have a crack at these exercises…

Exercise 1: Healing Invalidation/Denial
(resolving any related victim energies).

This exercise will help you un-block shut down that has occurred from invalidation.

Ask yourself:

• Are you muting how you really feel?
• Are you denying the severity of a painful experience… current or in the past?
• Were you ever told that things “weren’t that bad” or “are not as bad as you make out” or “to make lemonade from lemons” in some form? (and it didn’t feel good)

 

While these sentiments have their place, if at the time, it just didn’t ring true for you, it’s time to get real and acknowledge your own experience.

It’s time to get real and acknowledge your own experience

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  1. Let yourself Spew about a specific time where you experienced this.
    You can do it on paper or as a voice recording, and be open to whatever aspect of the experience you naturally want to spew about
  2. Listen for the animated key-word cookie cutters.
  3. NPA the cookie cutter(s) and see where it takes you.

It may be that this exercise simply provides a powerful clearing for you – which would be fantastic – right!?

And there could be more…

Learn How You Can Make Rapid Positive Shifts…

NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

 

Exercise 2: Finding Your Natural Expression

It’s very possible that what comes out of exercise 1 is a connection to some powerful core energy. A fully connected label or name for the experience might be right there – in which case, please let it be that simple.

However, if there seems to be no words for the experience, or the standard words that might describe it don’t quite resonate for you, then you can use this exercise to really nail it…

The key here is to let go of the standard words (if you have them) and fall into the direct experience.
Then allow words to arise which naturally connect you to the direct experience.
When you have them, the bridge between your inner and outer expression will be established.

Here’s the steps:

  1. Get viscerally in touch with the experience of the core energy… the feeling, the energy, the physical sensation etc.
  2. If some words had come which didn’t quite do it for you, let go of them completely and allow yourself to fall into your direct experience.
  3. In any case, slip into a space of wonder…Say out loud “If there were words to describe this experience, I wonder what my they might be?“It is not something you can go searching for with you mind or any expectation… Just let the answer bubble up naturally… let the word(s) find you…For example, yesterday, what arose for a client to describe her direct experience was “Inner Waterfall of Sparkling Energy” It was right in her core, and truly connecting with it released her from a life long painful survival mechanism.
  4. When YOUR words arrive, again get viscerally in touch with the experience…Feel the words and how they connect you strongly to the feeling. Give yourself some time with the experience and notice what happens. You may experience some release, realisations, feelings or an opening.Big and bold, or subtle and simple… no matter, trust your own experience and the process.
  5. You can come back to these words repeatedly to access the experience.
  6. You can also try running it through The NPA Process.

I’d love to hear what you experience from these exercises in the comments.

I hope this article inspires you to heal the invalidation in your life and start honouring your direct experience.

I also hope you can see how NPA can help you with that, as at its very core NPA is about finding words and expressions that are TRULY connected to your experience.

It’s because of that connectedness that such a seemingly simple set of words has such a profound impact for those that choose to use it to the fullest.

Exercises are great, but if you really want to bring anything into your life and embody it, it takes practice over time. This is very true of non-personal awareness.

Practice over time leads to mastery, and mastery leads to effortless magical expression. The NPA Process, NPA Advanced Techniques and Non-Personal Philosophies bring a tremendous fluidity into your life and train you to live a life authentically connected to what truly matters to you.

Learn How You Can Make Rapid Positive Shifts…

NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend you get the NPA: Basic Training online video course. It will definitely help you make the most of the exercises I’ve given you here, but more importantly bring a powerful transformational energy into your life (even if you’ve done a lot of work on yourself already) and get you on the path to mastering a life that reflects what truly matters to you.

Love & Blessings

Joel x

[JY-General-Bio]

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Squashed Tomatoes & Speedy Transitions

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SQUASHED TOMATOES & SPEEDY TRANSITIONS

Don’t apologise for using personal development tools, or the rapid shifts they bring…

This may seem like a strange thing to say, but here’s the thing…

I say all the time that NPA allows you to move through the challenges of life with tremendous speed and with relative ease.

This can be a challenge for people around you, if it doesn’t fit their expectations for what a ‘normal’ timescale is for such things.

Back in December of 2015, my 6 year relationship came to an end. This is a BIG deal in anyone’s life. There are cultural and habituated expectations about ‘taking time to heal’, ‘moving through the grief process’ and genuinely dealing with the pain of breakup.

But I did a LOT of NPA-ing

Using The Tools

I NPA’d around the grief, the lost dreams, the stories I had about what I wished she had been able to be, what I thought I should have been… Everywhere where there was pain lingering… Everywhere where my identity was tied to the relationship… Everywhere I felt conflicted, in spite of the clear truth that the decision was the right one.
I NPA’d my fears, my sadness AND what I wanted going forward.

It was amazing that after just a couple of weeks I felt incredibly clear, incredibly free and incredibly whole. I was ready to step out and discover myself anew.

What I didn’t expect was a backlash for doing just that.

Being happy, whole and vibrant ‘too soon’, it seemed was a crime.

Into the stocks with me, squashed tomatoes at the ready…

‘Insensitive’, ‘Unreal’, ‘Escapist’… these accusations came from various mutual friends of my X and mine.

Pause For Thought

I even got an unsolicited private message from a business coach who told me that my social media output, being ’too upbeat’ at this time was ‘Bad for business’! “People will see you as uncaring”, she said, “That could negatively effect your brand”. Now, I get that from her perspective, this was well intentioned… never-the-less, it really gave me pause for thought.

On one hand, she has a point.

As I’ve said, people can have a hard time if you step out of the box. It challenges their reality and they’d often much rather you get back in there. And if you don’t? They’ll likely find a way to put you back in… in their minds at least… labelled ‘uncaring’ for example. That can seem much easier to them than getting curious about a new possibility… and potentially rocking their world.

That may sound like I’m judging it, but actually I’m just stating an unfortunate truth about our society and culture in general today. The very one that the business coach was pointing to.

A Potent Question

But I asked myself a very potent question: “Do I want to align my energy with that thinking?”

The answer was a clear “No”

I replied to her that I taught tools that facilitated rapid change. More rapid than was normal. That that WAS my ‘brand’. I call myself a “21st Century Heretic” precisely because NPA challenges many of the modern day ’norms’.

What example would I be if I muted my living testament to that?
What integrity would I have?
What would I be teaching to those who decide to take full advantage of the tools I offer? That you can use them, but keep the results secret? Set yourself free with speed and ease, but hide the fact that you have?

It made no sense to do that.
It didn’t feel true.

It’s not that I’m devoid of compassion for other peoples pace, or that their perception and stories might cause them pain – quite the contrary. It’s just rare for anyone to leave their mark on the world and not offend anyone, right? And the best way to show the world a new possibility is to BE THAT, unashamedly.

Good Questions To Ask Yourself

So, here’s some good questions to ask yourself…

  • Do you limit your enthusiasm, your happiness or your wholeness to make those around you feel more comfortable?
  • Do you hide away the inner work you do, for fear of ridicule or change?
  • Do you shy away from inner work, or resist its impact because it might challenge the status quo?
  • Do you choose to align with limited ideas and possibilities, when inside you’re crying to step into your power?

If you do any of these, then start with some self-forgiveness… there’s a LOT of social pressure in there, and courage takes practice. Then you can look at, and shift, whatever is holding the pattern in place.

One great way to use NPA in this situation, is took look at what you fear other people might say? And what resistances and challenging emotions come up in you? Find some Cookie Cutters and NPA them… The revolutionary road could be smoother than you think.

Learn How You Can Make Rapid Positive Shifts…

NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

I was tempted by the resistance to mute myself, but I got the lesson.

Make No Apology

I make no apology for the fact that I am committed to using the tools I have.
I make no apology for the fact that NPA moved me through the pain of the break up faster than seemed ‘normal’ to some people.

I heartily encourage you to make no apology for your wonderful growth either. Stand in the glory of beautiful, exceptional you and you will be showing the world there’s a kinder, freer path available.

Life is short.
Who does it serve to play down your wholeness?
If you can save yourself months, even years, of suffering then why wouldn’t you?

[JY-General-Bio]

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Are You On The Enlightenment Hamster Wheel? (Discover the biggest myth of the Spiritual search)

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Enlightenment Hampster Wheel

 

Have you ever spent time striving vigilantly to experience the ‘real’ you?

Has it ever felt like you’re trying to towel yourself dry in a rain storm?

I’m going to tell you how you can stop and get off the enlightenment hamster wheel, but first, let’s look at the problem…

I recently saw a picture quote that someone shared by Eckhart Tolle. It said,

“Boredom, anger, sadness or fear are not ‘yours’, not personal. They are conditions of the human mind. They come and go. Nothing that comes and goes is you”

 

Of course I agree that these states are not personal. However, the danger of pointing to a ‘you’, in terms of that which doesn’t change, is that you then seek a ‘you’ that is constant.

The thing is, even experiences of some apparently constant backdrop; Experiences of ‘consciousness’, ‘Being’, ‘pure awareness’, ‘oneness’ etc… Experiences which are so often labelled as the ‘real you’… These too are ultimately experiential states which come and go. Even these, fundamentally, are not personal.

So the search for some constant, ‘real’ you can bring about a lot of confusion, disillusionment and lostness

“So who the heck am I then?” You may well ask?

Well…

  • What if you could let go of the either/or… Either I’m this or that?

  • What if you stopped limiting your sense of ‘who you really are’ to a single, or small set of labels which negate, deny or implicitly judge a vast spectrum of human experience?

  • What if you even dropped the whole spiritual ideal of a real vs unreal you?

And…

  • What if you accepted that all you have as a human being is your personal experience of the non-personal?

  • What if you embraced the notion that the self is a fluid thing; a community of dancing energies ‘pulling shapes’ in your own style, in time to the Universal pulse?

  • What if you ended the war with your personality/ego… And everyone else’s for that matter..?

Take a moment, and let those sink in…

Non-Personal Awareness invites you to let go of any spiritual judgements and welcome the dynamic wholeness of your beautiful self.

Why?

Because those that do, say they experience:

  • A tremendous amount of relief on all levels…

  • An ease of being which picks up the flow of life in all its multi-faceted expression…

  • A real-world passion re-igniting in their bodies and hearts…

  • A longed for depth of connection with their fellow humans, finally has space to land…

  • And of course, the healing & wellbeing benefits of deeply realising that none of it is personal…

How?

Well perhaps just me offering this perspective permanently shifts yours in some profound way?

That would be wonderful!

The cultural conditioning to search for, or try to be, some idealised spiritual ‘self’ runs deep.

So for most people, even if they’ve done a lot of work on themselves, to come full-bodied into the freedom and ease of the non-personal perspective takes practice over time. But it’s not an arduous practice and comes with a LOT of secondary benefits…

Let go of any spiritual judgements and welcome the dynamic wholeness of your beautiful self

Click To Tweet

It starts with The NPA Process… A simple, six line, spoken word process that allows you to let go of the yukky stuff and let in the yummy stuff of life. It allows you quickly and simply, to truly GET that stuff like anger, depression, illness, relationship struggles, a sense of lack and so many other struggles are not ‘yours’. And in that realisation those states can leave, kind of all by themselves…

It sounds incredible, but I’ve got stacks of testimonials from people all over the world who have experienced this.

Over time, as you work on this or that struggle, the wider understanding that nothing, fundamentally, is personal begins to establish itself as a core awareness within your psyche. And THAT’s when you’re world becomes very free, very connected, very vibrant and deeply delicious.

You need the Basic Training to really get started on this journey and there’s an online video course here:

THE NPA PROCESS: BASIC TRAINING…

NPA Basic Training - Start Here“This video programme will walk you step by step through the core training of The NPA Process and give you what you need to get started making a difference in your life right away with NPA.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO

Takeaway

But if you take anything away from this article, let it be this:

If you want to get off the spiritual hamster wheel of searching for (or trying to be) some idealised ‘Self’. Then embrace the notion that who you are is a fluid, dynamic thing and that the wonder of life is to discover who or what that is in each moment.

Love & Blessings,

Joel x

[JY-General-Bio]

4 Comments

Your Inner Spectre Revealed In 007 Questions

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Your Inner Spectre Revealed in 007 QuestionsAre you ready for the big release?

Yes you can read that with two meanings…

Firstly, I’m very excited about the release of the new Bond film “SPECTRE” this week

Secondly, whenever you take the time to go deeper with NPA, you can expect to experience a big release – and that’s always exciting!

So I thought I’d shamelessly combine these two exciting prospects and design some great questions for you to ask yourself, to reveal your own inner SPECTRE, and release it (ie let it go) with some some plot-twisting cookie cutters and The NPA Process.

Releasing your personal Spectre could have a profoundly freeing effect in your life and I’ll get to the questions in bit…

But first let’s look at the clues in the story and why it’s such a powerful jump point for some self-inquiry…

Plot Lines

“Fresh implications and plot twists erupt as a story unfolds”
David Brin

We are all subject to our personal stories, whether we are conscious of it or not. And in many ways, we are all a bit like a multiplex cinema with many stories happening simultaneously.

Stories tend to follow archetypal patterns and becoming conscious of them allows us to align with the inner ‘script writer’ and influence how the story (our lives) run.

Now, I haven’t yet seen the new Bond film, but from what I’ve read and seen it follows an archetype that is well worth taking a look at in your own life.

So, here’s what I know about the plot of Spectre:

A cryptic message from Bond’s past sends him on a trail to uncover a sinister organisation. While M battles political forces to keep the secret service alive, Bond peels back the layers of deceit to reveal the terrible truth behind SPECTRE. And… spoiler alert (but probably not)… I’m guessing that Bond triumphs in the end…

So this is a story of uncovering the shadows of the past that still influence our lives… it’s an awakening story!

The Spectre Factor

So does the word ‘spectre’ even mean?

Well, being a modern guy, I Googled it, and here’s what Collins English Dictionary says:

Meaning of Spectre

 

If you look a little deeper, you find something interesting about the origin of the word:

Spectre word origin

And here’s a part of the entry that tells us a little more about the nature of it’s meaning:

Spectre translations

 

So, we have past and future and all the ingredients of something scary – awesome!

Back to Bond…

In the Bond films, the spectre of SPECTRE has been visited several times (if you’ll pardon the irresistible pun). SPECTRE in Bond-world is the name of a sinister organisation and it’s actually an acronym for:

“Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence,
Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion”

Nice!

The Spectre In You

It’s a natural part of the human condition that we have aspects that seek to expand AND aspects that seek to control and minimise change. It’s the yin and yang, the in-breath and out-breath, the dark and light of life…

Sometimes these minimising parts are called inner saboteurs or ‘the shadow’… we’re calling one ‘your inner SPECTRE’, but there are many names… and – don’t freak out… they’re organised.

Of course those expansive aspects are also highly organised, and choosing to engage self-inquiry mode leverages their awesome power 🙂

Only The Brave

OK, back to you…

By now, you may have gathered that these 007 questions will be inviting you to delve into your more shadowy inner territory. But relax, because as well as an inner SPECTRE, you also have an inner Bond.

And more good news… Bond always has his genius back-room-buddy Q, who hands out awesome gizmos that make things easier. In this case – The NPA Process!

If you’re not yet fully of-fey with The NPA Process, look for the extra resources I offer on this page.

I know you’re up for it, so let’s get to the questions, tie the strands together, uncover and release the SPECTRE in your life…

How To Approach These Questions…

It’s a very normal response when approaching self-inquiry questions to ‘clench’.

This is because there’s a natural ‘bracing of self’ that happens when we approach the unknown or set about discovering things that may have been held in the shadows.

I know how you feel, I’ve felt that internal clench on many an occasion.

What I’ve found (though at first it may seem counter-intuitive, especially given the subject matter), is the best way to counter this, is by approaching the exercise lightly… Answer the questions in an almost nonchalant manner, as if unattached to what comes back when you ask them.

I often say that true self-inquiry is not about seeking the answers, but rather letting the answers find you. So, ask the questions, and write down whatever comes – even if it doesn’t at first seem to make sense…

007 Questions

IMPORTANT: The questions are designed to elicit a ‘splurge’ response rather than a singular or distinct answer. So let the answers be an ‘out-flowing’ and write whatever comes. When the answer to a questions seems to naturally complete itself, move to the next. I’ll tell you what to do with the ‘splurge’ later.

And, as I said before, if you’re not yet fully of-fey with The NPA Process and finding ‘cookie cutters’, while it’s not essential, you should probably get this:

GET THE NPA KEY WORD CHEAT SHEET

The link below is a ‘back door’ to a special 75% off offer on my essential guide to finding NPA cookie cutters

Click here to access the essential guide for just $7

And at the very least you’ll need the words for The NPA Process, which you will find as part of the “Don’t Take Them Personally” exercise, which is available via the widget in the sidebar.

ALSO IMPORTANT: These questions presuppose the idea that you, metaphorically, have an inner ‘spectre’, and if you’re not cool with that presupposition – don’t do the exercise!

Green light? Great…

So grab yourself pen and paper, or open a notepad/doc on your device of choice and answer these, in order…

  1. If you were to know, where in your life is your inner SPECTRE having the biggest influence right now?

  2. Letting your mind drift back and gently caress the timeline of your life… and contemplating the notion that there are clues to your inner spectre’s nature and origin, what memories, moments or patterns pop out to you?

  3. What’s the scary stuff that stops you from doing what you know you ought to do for your own good?

  4. What lies do you tell yourself, or have you told yourself in the past?

  5. If you’re ruthlessly honest, where in your life do you entertain thoughts of payback and revenge?

  6. What do you fear that people might find out about you and how does that influence your decisions?

  7. What are the external pressures in your life, and what do they suppress?

Well done!

Seriously, if you’ve answered all of these as honestly as you can, that’s an amazing thing, and you’re probably wondering what to do with all that revelation…

Start by taking a deep breath, and then let’s do some NPA…

Cookie Cutters

OK, now you’re going to use your answers to find, what we call in NPA, your cookie cutters. These are the connected keywords that, when you NPA them, loosen or free the grip of your inner spectre energy.

I’m going to break this down in two different ways. For those who know NPA and have some skills, and an ‘easy’ version for those that don’t.

Instructions For NPA Veterans

  • Treat each answer as a spew and find the most animated cookie cutter.
  • List your 7 cookie cutters.
  • Read the list out loud and then do an energy read to find your 8th ‘inner spectre’ cookie cutter.
  • NPA each of the 8 cookie cutters in order
  • Optional: do a flip for the whole sequence.

Instructions For NPA Newbies And Beginners

I highly recommend you ‘treat each answer as a spew’ as per the veteran instructions. You can learn how to do this with my NPA Key Word Cheat Sheet for parking change, but if you don’t yet know how to do that and you can’t wait, then here’s what you can do…

Read or scan through your answers, then, looking at them, immediately complete the following sentence:

This is the energy of ________
(Use the the first thing that pops into your consciousness to complete the sentence)

Whatever you complete the sentence with can be used as your ’inner spectre cookie cutter’.

Use it to fill the blank in The NPA Process, and remember to say the all six lines out loud.

Be present to what you experience, whatever release, awareness – even if it’s a nothingness…

Show Some Love

I’d love to to hear what you experience doing this, so please let me know in the comments. And remember to grab my NPA Key Word Cheat Sheet, it will help you avoid the common mistakes I see people make all the time when it comes to finding their cookie cutter keywords and will help you make the most of these questions.

Also, if this helped you in any way, please pay it forward with a share!

[JY-General-Bio]

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How Self-Identification Relates To Cookie Cutters in NPA

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Self Identification And Cookie Cutters in NPATime to dive a little into the human and energetic mechanics behind The NPA Process… This little post is for the tech heads, psychology nerds, ever-curious ‘how-do-dat’ folk and NPA skill seekers everywhere. I’m going to pull back the veil a bit on the art and nature of how we spot those cookie cutters.

Now, just in case you turned up here cold and oblivious to NPA, boy you lucked out! 😉 The NPA Process is a beautifully simple way, that anyone can use, to stop taking things personally. And the best place to start is here: A perfect NPA starter exercise

OK… let’s dive in…

Picking Up Animation In A Spew (And how it relates to Identity)

When you’re in a crowded room and someone on the other side of it mentions your name, your awareness heightens – you pick it up, you are tuned to it. You don’t have to think about it, you are already pre-set to notice what you recognise as ‘You’ above all else.

In the same way, when you are (to use the NPA vernacular) spewing, you are listening for that which you recognise as ‘your self’ (in other words, for the expressions of self identity).

These cookie cutters naturally pop out to you a little more than the rest of the spew. What we are really doing then, as we listen for the animation, is mapping our self-identifications. And it bares repeating that we are already pre-set to do this. We are already unconsciously competent.

#ThatsMeThatIs

This recognition of Self is like an energetic signal that broadcasts “that’s me that is” – like an energetic hashtag. A cookie cutter is ‘tagged’ when it is actively connected to our self-identity – cool huh?

The natural question then is “So how come we can spot other peoples cookie cutters?”

Well, just as in your fave social media feed, whether you have written #ThatsMeThatIs or they have… it’s still easy to spot when you’re looking for it right? As an observer of another’s spew, it is the noticing of that signal, that ‘tag’ which creates the popping out effect and indicates the cookie cutters as they arise.

GET THE NPA KEY WORD CHEAT SHEET

The link below is a ‘back door’ to a special 75% off offer on my essential guide to finding NPA cookie cutters

Click here to access the essential guide for just $7

Simplicity

It’s nice to know this stuff, and at the end of the day, I would always encourage you to continue to let it be as simple as it is: Listen to the spew, notice what pops out to you, feed it back.

If you have any questions, please go ahead and ask them in the comments below.

Love & Blessings, as ever,

Joel Young (#ThatsMeThatIs)
Creator & Custodian of NPA

[JY-General-Bio]

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Why Conscious Participation Is Not Always Necessary For Healing

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Why Conscious Parenting Is NOT Always NecessaryIn this short audio with Joel Young, The Creator of The NPA Process, you will discover how the requirement for personal involvement in your healing journey has dramatically changed since the background shift in consciousness has matured over the past few years…

Joel explains…

  • The historic culture of personal involvement
  • How things are different since the recent shift
  • Why purpose is context specific on the healing path
  • Discernment between option and need
  • How one lady went from flustered stuttering to clear expression in 30 seconds
  • How shifting consciousness automatically shifts emotional states, limiting beliefs and unhealthy behaviours
  • When conscious participation IS necessary
  • What love’s got to do with it

Time investment: 6.5 minutes

Why Conscious Participation Is Not Always Necessary For Healing

 

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What You Need To Know If You Are Sensitive To Criticism

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What You Need To Know If You Are Sensitive To CriticismCriticism is a part of life, and yet so many people have a hard time receiving it and they often experience a lot of hurt in the process. Even if the critics intention is to be constructive, it can be experienced as painful.

I often say that awareness is a powerful thing, so I thought I’d bring some awareness to the topic, laying out why the sensitivity is there, and how NPA can change the experience completely in a healthy way.

Why Are People So Sensitive When It Comes To Criticism From Others?

You might be surprised to learn that the sensitivity actually comes from defence. Criticism threatens an identity, or sense of self and as we become more attached to an identity, it becomes rigid and brittle. If you imagine your skin became rigid and brittle and then someone came up and poked it – it might well split, and then OUCH!

Taking things personally is literally attaching to an identity – you say ‘that’s me that is’, or, equally as confining, ‘that’s NOT me’. For example, a 5 year old who’s told by his Dad: ‘You’re funny!’ may take that on as a fundamental character trait. Literally taking it as ‘Funny: that’s who I am’. Perhaps he grows up and builds an identity all around that idea, maybe even makes it a career! Then someone say’s ‘you’re not that funny’ and his brittle skin gets poked! Of course, different people respond differently in different situations, but he may lash out, or withdraw – either way he feels pain.

A Way To Stop Taking Things Personally

Essentially, The NPA Process allows people to stop taking things personally. Now, most of us realise that taking things personally is a painful thing but few have any idea HOW to NOT take things personally – so that’s pretty awesome by itself!

But what I have come to realise is that ‘taking things personally’ is threaded much more deeply and subtly through our human psyche and is the fundamental mechanism for creating our experiences – both wonderful and painful.

NPA has now had a huge impact on the lives of people from all over the world, from all walks of life and in a huge variety of situations. So, it turns out, that the NPA Process is an amazing tool for clearing painful experiences quickly AND allowing more expansive and joyful experiences into our lives.

Running with the brittle skin metaphor for a bit, you could say that NPA gives you healthy skin – supple yet strong, sensitive and able to feel a vast range of sensations, yet in no way tender and raw. Someone can ‘have a poke’, but it doesn’t hurt, there’s nothing to defend and it can be seen for what it is; just a perspective.

So, Should We Take NOTHING Personally?

NPA Skin Cream (It's a metaphor!)People are often surprised when I tell them that NPA does not subscribe to the idea that taking things personally is always bad. In fact it acknowledges that fundamentally it’s how we experience anything at all!

What causes us pain and suffering is that brittle-ness I spoke of earlier – that attachment to, and defence of, a transitory idea of who we are. NPA offers a ‘multiple perspective’ approach which I teach on the Saturday of The NPA Expansive Weekend and in NPA: The Bridge and this can bring a great deal of fluidity and relief to peoples sense of identity.

NPA is interested in helping people notice and shift those places where brittleness and therefore pain and suffering has come about from taking things personally, where either they are clinging to something that wants to pass, or resisting something that wants to come into their life.

A Note On Clarity & Action

People sometimes misinterpret this perspective and think that I am suggesting a path of passivity that a) never acknowledges that sometimes the critic is just being an arse, and b) doesn’t allow space for the criticised person to have a powerful response.

So here’s what I’ve noticed…

There isn’t one formula for a response that is appropriate in all situations. The reports I get, and my own experience tells me that NPA (and not taking things personally generally) brings a tremendous clarity and presence to the situation. From that clarity and presence strong affirmative action seems to arise naturally.

This is not the powerless, angry action of someone who is in defence and feels like ‘the victim’, it’s the action of someone who knows who they are, supports their values and yet is open to self-evaluation. It’s the action of someone humble enough to know that they are not perfect and others may have a point, yet knows their boundaries and are willing to assert them. Walking away is definitely an option. Passionate discussion of different perspectives is definitely an option. This is a HEALTHY place to come from and time again I see NPA bringing clear and healthy action into peoples lives.

Criticism Aikido

If you’re someone who feels sensitive to criticism, then thank God you’re here. If EVER there was a tool for the job, NPA is it for you!

So here’s what I recommend. Get REALLY into NPA. Practice, Practice, Practice The NPA Process! Master it, play with it, just do it! Buy NPA: The Bridge and listen to it over and over. And/or come to a seminar, join the NPA Community!

Each time you do a process you’ll be loosening up your stuck identifications, letting go of some yukky stuff, or letting in some yummy stuff, but also training in the non-personal perspective – this is one of the fundamentals of letting the Non-Personal perspective come alive in you.

Having the non-personal perspective ‘alive’ in you brings an aikido like emotional and mental agility in difficult situations – like when criticism comes your way! Your brittle skin will be nourished, hydrated and re-conditioned with healthy, wholesome non-personal goodness. It’s a wonderful thing 🙂

[JY-General-Bio]

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10 Ways To Deal With Intense Negativity

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VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

10 Ways To Deal With Intense NegativityHave you ever been in a situation where the people around you are in an absolute stink? A prolonged state of ‘negativity’ where it seems like nothing you say or do, no matter how well intentioned, can encouraged them to come back into their heart?

My name is Joel Young and I’m the creator
of The NPA Process, a beautifully simple way to stop taking things personally.

This video addresses the issue of dealing with intense negativity in terms of basic human interaction. It comes in the understanding that human relations are often where our deepest crap hits the proverbial fan, rarely stopping to consider the sanitised suggestions proffered by our more enlightened aspects.

I’ve experienced this many many times in my life and I’ve learned some valuable lessons along the way.

I’m not generally big on formulas, but it IS nice to have some options.

So here’s a list of 10 things I’d like to share with you, that I’ve found helpful when I’m dealing with intense negativity. If you can assimilate even one of them in the heat of the moment, you’ll be doing yourself (and the other person) a big favour.

So let’s get started…

1. Re-Think The Label ‘Negativity’

When you label someones expressions as ‘negative’ you enter dangerous territory.

Now, It’s not that I’m saying there’s anything intrinsically bad or wrong with the term negativity, I’m simply suggesting you examine what you are really saying when you use it, and how that impacts your experience: your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

I could say a LOT about this, but the main point I want to highlight is that in the context of heated interactions: Watch out for the tendency to fall into the trap of using the term ‘negativity’ as one of the following: a judgement, a defence, an attack from a position of superior enlightenment, to assert yourself as a victim, to negate their perspective or deny their experience.

All of those will cause YOU pain and I’m encouraging you to be as aware as possible about how YOUR label for THEIR experience impacts YOUR experience.

When you label someones expressions as ‘negative’ you enter dangerous territory.

Click To Tweet

2. Drop Your Agenda

When we’re uncomfortable with someone else’s expression, it’s very easy to believe the notion that they ought to be different than they are – after all, YOU can see that they would be much happier if they only followed your helpful advice and, of course, it would certainly be easier for you!

Again, I’m not saying that your helpful insights aren’t awesome, and if they did do what’s bleedin’ obvious to you, perhaps they would feel a whole lot better!

The slippery slope here is when you become attached to your way and then suddenly you have an agenda.

Agenda’s limit possibilities. They can make you go deaf & blind to the other person, to yourself and tend to create strong undercurrents of pressure to have themselves fulfilled.

Pressure and heat is exactly what you need for an explosion – just sayin’

The truth is that they need to be where they are right now – at least for now. And as humans we tend to resist when our natural pace is forced.

There’ll be time for suggestions or for offering a perspective or for finding a way through that works for them (whether you agree with it or not) – and that time might not be now.

When you drop your agenda, you’ll be more available to notice that moment when it arises.

NPA: Non-Personal Awareness (logo)3. Don’t Take It Personally

Well, of course, this list would not be complete without a reference to NPA would it?

So… Lots of wise sages have advised people not to take these things personally – and trust me it’s good advice!

I have dedicated nearly a decade of my life to sharing the multifaceted and fundamentally non-personal nature of reality… And sometimes, especially in these situations, it comes down to this: It’s just not about you!

Of course, when someone’s deepest doo doo is being flung in your face, it can be easier said than done to not take it personally, but fortunately the human race now has The NPA Process which gives us a simple and effective way to cut through the sh*t (pun intended) and come up smelling of roses (I may have overdone and/or mixed my metaphors – but you get the point!).

I’ve experienced it myself AND had amazing feedback from so many other people who have stepped out of a heated situation, taken themselves through an NPA Process and found they really CAN stop taking it personally and become freer to act from a wholesome place.

On my website (see below) you’ll find a free and simple exercise called ‘Don’t Take Them Personally’. It will show you exactly how to use The NPA Process in these situations and I highly recommend you get it.

GET THE “DON’T TAKE THEM PERSONALLY” EXERCISE

Learn how you can feel clear and centred around the people in your life who say or do things that cause you stress

Click here to get your free exercise

4. Listen To Them

Listening without an agenda is just that. Listening. Nothing added.

Click To Tweet

This suggestion may seem hard to swallow, and it often requires us to be able to genuinely get the hang of suggestions 1, 2 & 3 – so: drop the label of negativity, drop the agenda and not take it personally – before we’re able to really listen. But when you DO really listen, magic can happen.

There can be lots of ‘faux’ listening going on, especially where an agenda is running in the background – and in fact, that is not listening.

Truly listening can be miraculous, but listening in order to get a miracle – well, we’re back to agenda again :p

Listening without an agenda is just that. Listening. Nothing added. You might be amazed what gets said when they realise you’re really listening.

5. Listen To You

There’s a saying that ‘misery loves company’ which points to our very natural human longing for agreement. In the heat of their deepest pain people often seek agreement from those around them.

And when I say seek, as you know, it often comes out as demand right?

Now, Our culture is full of mixed messages in this arena.

We’re taught, for example:
“It is kind and loving to sympathise and support someone in their painful stories”

This is something many would agree with, and it’s my opinion that there IS a place for this in the bish bosh of day to day human bonding. Validation can be an important part of dialogue.

Conversely we are told “where attention goes energy flows”, which in this context is kind of a rebranding of “don’t throw fuel on the fire”. In other words, if you give their negativity attention it will just get worse.

Then there’s the old chestnut: “If I don’t put ’em straight they’ll never learn”… And sometimes a strong alternative perspective is exactly what’s needed…

The reality is, there’s no ONE approach that will be right for all situations, and you can’t truly know how the other person will respond whichever path you choose. To sympathise, to challenge, to ignore, to confront…? What to do? What to do?

All you can do is listen to you as best you can, and follow those inner prompts, knowing that they, ultimately, come from a wider awareness. Plus, this way, at least you stay with yourself.

6. Ask Yourself: Is It Kind To Me?

Be Kind To You

This inner inquiry came to me in the middle of a drawn out domestic some years ago.

Kindness has always been important to me and the question I used to ask was focused very much in the outward direction. “What’s the kind thing for me to do” would be translated as “how can I express kindness towards them“.

What I realised though is that sometimes, my attempts at kindness would be very painful for me, and would often backfire and cause greater stress in my beloved at the time.

The thing is, I was excluding myself completely from the kindness equation.

So, on this occasion I was laying next to my wife at the time, both of us worn out from the long fight. I knew she was still mad at me and very much unresolved… and the truth is, so was I.

Then arose my usual urge to make peace… To open my heart and reconnect and I began to reach out my hand to touch her softly and comfort her… Suddenly the words rang loudly in my head: “Is it kind to YOU Joel?”

My hand stopped in it’s tracks as the realisation dawned. “No, it bloody well isn’t kind to me” and then, I realised, it wouldn’t really have been kind to her either.

It would have been a false move, borne from my agenda to stop the discomfort I felt with the conflict! It would have been a lie to her and a lie to myself.

My hand withdrew and I lay in the truth, and let her be – free to lay in hers. Something in me softened.

So my suggestion is: before you act to appease, to agree, to shout, to run – whatever – ask yourself “Is it kind to me?”. If it is? Chances are it’s the kindest thing you can do all round.

Ask yourself “Is it kind to me?” If it is? Chances are it’s the kindest thing you can do all round.

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7. Give Yourself A Break

OK, this one is real simple. You’re gonna cock it up on numbers 1-6 at some point (and numbers 8-10 for that matter!). You just are – that’s your humanity.

So give yourself a break.

Sometimes, what is, is just gonna be: “I’m fed up with the unconscious negativity of the miserable bugger. Why won’t they just think differently like I tell ’em AND I’ve been as kind to them as I can possibly be in spite of their mood! What about me!!!!???” lol

Give yourself a break. There’s another breath coming.

8. Remove Yourself From The Situation

Sometimes you’ve just gotta get out. Get away from it. This links right back to listening to and being kind to you. There are times when it’s time to stay and work it through, and times when something inside says it’s time to go.

This is true in a small temporary way – where you just need to take yourself off for a walk, a bike ride, for a coffee or whatever… AND it can also be true in a bigger way, where it’s time to leave the relationship altogether.

When you listen in and pay close attention, and are willing to be kind to you, the thousand-and-one rational thoughts that would keep you in the painful crap longer than is ‘true’ won’t get a look in.

9. Affirm Your Willingness To Be There When They’re Ready

In relational dynamics, especially if it’s that time to go take a breather (and it’s not the grand finale), I’ve found that it’s kinder all round if you can offer some sense of reassurance as you step away.

It may seem that the other person can neither hear you nor cares, but something inside them is listening.

So saying things like “I’m here when you’re ready, I know we can work this out, and I need to go right now” tend to tear less at the bonds between you.

This isn’t only a sound approach at the times when you need to walk away for a bit, but all throughout communications at these heated times.

The more you can offer statements of intent to work it out together, to hear them, to be there: it’s all good (as long as it’s kind to you).

10. Get Help For You

Don’t under estimate the value of another perspective. We all need a helping hand sometimes

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Finally, it’s really important to get support for YOU – especially if you’re dealing with a prolonged situation.

So make sure you reach out and talk to a friend, pray to whomever you pray (and be conversational about it) or get some professional help with someone like me 😉

But really – don’t under estimate the value of another perspective in these kind of situations. We all need a helping hand sometimes <3

One More thing…

What if YOU are the source of ‘intense negativity’?

In that case, watch this video again and see if you can recognise how there’s a part of you that needs to ‘re-think the label’, ‘drop the agenda’ etc etc – give yourself a break and Do some NPA!!

Give It Some Love

So… Perhaps you have ideas I’ve never even thought of? Maybe one of these 10 suggestions has given you an aha moment or helped you in some specific way? Maybe you have a strong opinion about one or all of these?

Please let me and others know in the comments and why not share this if you’ve found it helpful

Also go visit my website: NonPersonalAwareness.com where you’ll find the free and simple exercise called ‘Don’t Take Them Personally’. Remember, it will show you exactly how to use The NPA Process in these situations and I highly recommend you get it.
[or use the link in the box below]

GET THE “DON’T TAKE THEM PERSONALLY” EXERCISE

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Click here to get your free exercise

Thanks for spending this precious time with me and I’ll see you soon!

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Tweetables

“Ask yourself “Is it kind to me?” If it is? Chances are it’s the kindest thing you can do all round” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Don’t under estimate the value of another perspective. We all need a helping hand sometimes” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Have you excluded yourself completely from the kindness equation?” via @JoelYoungNPA

“In the heat of their deepest doo doo people often seek agreement from those around them” via @JoelYoungNPA

“The reality is, there’s no ‘one’ approach that will be right for all situations” via @JoelYoungNPA

“Listening without an agenda is just that. Listening. Nothing added.” via @JoelYoungNPA