OK, so the UK voted to leave the EU… what now my awakened friend?
I see a lot of anger, sadness, outrage and, frankly, pain and suffering on social media today… based on what?
Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? Everything’s going to sh%t!
Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? We should hang our heads in shame!
Well, it’s obvious isn’t it? We should attack those that voted to leave!
The reality is, we just don’t know ‘what now’ in practical, legal and economic terms. There’s good evidence for various scenarios, but even the genuine ‘experts’ (you know, the people that actually know what they’re talking about) state very clearly that the only thing we know for sure is that we don’t know how a decision to leave the EU will play out…
Projections and assumptions is all we have to go on…
So I wanted to invite you to look a little deeper…
Let me ask you this:
Have you ever been surprised by your own decisions? Done something you thought you’d never do? Something that, at the time, you thought was bad?
I know I have, and on each occasion, though it may have precipitated surprise, change, massive disruption and often pain… at some level there was healing and growth underneath it.
My Soul, as I see it, had decided it was time to bring light to some aspect of my shadow… to set it free… enlighten it… In accordance with my prayers and intentions…
What you may not have thought about, or realised is:
The UK has a Soul.
All countries do, as part of their collective consciousness and identity. Nations (and anything with a defined boundary) are Beings in their own right. And if you are a UK citizen, then you are part of it. Like organs and cells are individually themselves, but also part of you.
So let me speak to something bigger than your personal, localised self… your personalised local Soul even…
And let me ask you this:
Are you willing to stay with your ‘self’ in the face of the healing that’s being asked for from your Soul? Or will you shy away, splinter off in anger and self recrimination? For as you rage and persecute those that voted to leave for ‘their ignorance’ you split the very thing you say you love, and prolong the pain.
The personal responses to the national decision very much reflect our responses to ourselves when we believe we have f*%ked things up.
I believe you are interested in a conscious, healing response to the reality of the situation…
So, let’s break it down:
I’ve stated these reactions in a pretty bold way, and you might say “I don’t think thatâ€â€¦ just be aware that I’ve used these terms to highlight the essence of the reaction in a very obvious way, however they can show up in more subtle and ‘civilised/rational’ ways. And in anywise, it’s an invitation to ask yourself if these are happening within you…
Our minds are natural “Disaster Movie Making Machinesâ€. You know this! So I invite you to examine your assumptions with some genuine self inquiry if you’re generating suffering in yourself by believing your minds scary story.
You can ask Byron Katie’s amazing questions, starting with “Is it true?”
REACTION 2: We should hang our heads in shame!
At the heart of this is an identity issue. You’ve taken the decision personally and attached a meaning to our national identity (including you) based on the decision we’ve made that is causing you pain. Shame and self condemnation my friend is pain.
Freeing up painful attachment to your sense of identity isn’t about denying your actions or their consequences. It’s about dropping the paralysing, disabling disempowerment, bringing clarity and freedom of movement to respond wholesomely in presence.
The NPA Process works directly with identity issues and is great for helping you step out of blocks which come from identity shifts. It empowers you to stop beating yourself up and start taking clear positive action at times like these. It also frees you up to allow IN the new sense of self that your Soul is calling for.
REACTION 3: We should attack those that voted to leave!
So you feel angry. I get it.
Things didn’t go as you wanted or expected… An idea about the future has been shattered. And you’re scared.
Anger can be a tough emotion to sit with. I get that too.
That’s why we tend to avoid it.
That’s why we project it out. Look for someone to blame.
“Those ignorant idiots! How could they do it?â€
This doesn’t address the emotion directly. It doesn’t take the healing opportunity that’s being offered and it puts YOU firmly in the victim roll… which. I’m guessing, ISN’T where your heart lays…
You might expect me to say “Don’t be angry, it’s all as it’s meant to be†yada yada…
But that isn’t real is it? If you’re feeling anger… FEEL it. And I mean really feel it. Sit your ass down and let the pure anger come. It’s a wave, and like all emotions it comes to pass. The avenue of passage is direct and full experience… projecting it out is just playing tennis with it.
Letting it truly come to pass, again, will free you from unconscious pain inducing responses AND most likely bring you the gift of awareness about where this national decision hooks you at a personal level. All good!
You can certainly use NPA to help you fully experience this, and there are lots of modalities which encourage you to do this, including Transformational Breathing, Vipassana style meditation and more.
A great method for directly sitting in emotions, which I have practiced and taught all over the world, is The Journey… So I have included a link to that in a list of resources below.
Tough Love
I’ve called this tough love, because I believe we’re in a time where we are being called to USE the knowledge we have as awakened, conscious folk. I’ve seen a lot of these reactions from a lot of conscious people this morning… Including myself!
I felt, literally, moved to write this and I hope it serves you to bring greater peace, grounded-ness, consciousness and freedom when the energy in the air is a little bit crazy.
Suppression comes in many forms: activity, outburst, numbing, anger and more… but in a willingness to truly experience the pure energy of the grief that comes with change, an incredibly swift purge of pain is possible.
The irony is that those who don’t understand may think you cold and unfeeling if you achieve this, for the cultural dogma says that grief must last for so much longer (“If you cared” they say).
I encourage you to do your work anyway and stand as an example of what’s possible.
The reality is though, that even those who have the tools may not have the resources to use them in times of the greatest grief and pain. Forgive yourself, or others if that is the case… we all have our own rocky paths in this adventure called life.
Get 1:1 support with Joel…
Kazy-Vincent Janes, a client from the UK said:
“A brilliant session and just perfect – thank you for amazing ability to hone and tune and hold and guide so superbly and uniquely for me”
I feel incredibly blessed to have at my disposal (and to have practiced for many years) incredible tools that make this possible, including NPA.
The practice is important as preparation for the more difficult times. It allows the ‘channels of active use’ to be more available to you when the chips are down and the urge to avoid and suppress is at its strongest.
Last month brought a hugely significant ending for me and has been a great teacher on this. It has shown me both where I have needed to step up my practice, and also where my practice has stepped up for me.
In the coming year I renew my commitment to deepening my practice and to helping others step up and deepen in theirs, whichever tools, rituals or techniques they use but especially NPA.
Grief and ALL those crazy, weird, wonderful emotions can bring the deepest gifts into your life.
Practicing the tools will prepare you to make the most of it when life presents those ‘opportunities’
Namaste my Lovely friends
If you’d like to find out more about NPA, you can visit www.JoelYoungNPA.com and start practicing now.
Firstly, I’m very excited about the release of the new Bond film “SPECTREâ€Â this week
Secondly, whenever you take the time to go deeper with NPA, you can expect to experience a big release – and that’s always exciting!
So I thought I’d shamelessly combine these two exciting prospects and design some great questions for you to ask yourself, to reveal your own inner SPECTRE, and release it (ie let it go) with some some plot-twisting cookie cutters and The NPA Process.
Releasing your personal Spectre could have a profoundly freeing effect in your life and I’ll get to the questions in bit…
But first let’s look at the clues in the story and why it’s such a powerful jump point for some self-inquiry…
Plot Lines
“Fresh implications and plot twists erupt as a story unfolds”
David Brin
We are all subject to our personal stories, whether we are conscious of it or not. And in many ways, we are all a bit like a multiplex cinema with many stories happening simultaneously.
Stories tend to follow archetypal patterns and becoming conscious of them allows us to align with the inner ‘script writer’ and influence how the story (our lives) run.
Now, I haven’t yet seen the new Bond film, but from what I’ve read and seen it follows an archetype that is well worth taking a look at in your own life.
So, here’s what I know about the plot of Spectre:
A cryptic message from Bond’s past sends him on a trail to uncover a sinister organisation. While M battles political forces to keep the secret service alive, Bond peels back the layers of deceit to reveal the terrible truth behind SPECTRE. And… spoiler alert (but probably not)… I’m guessing that Bond triumphs in the end…
So this is a story of uncovering the shadows of the past that still influence our lives… it’s an awakening story!
The Spectre Factor
So does the word ‘spectre’ even mean?
Well, being a modern guy, I Googled it, and here’s what Collins English Dictionary says:
If you look a little deeper, you find something interesting about the origin of the word:
And here’s a part of the entry that tells us a little more about the nature of it’s meaning:
So, we have past and future and all the ingredients of something scary – awesome!
Back to Bond…
In the Bond films, the spectre of SPECTRE has been visited several times (if you’ll pardon the irresistible pun). SPECTRE in Bond-world is the name of a sinister organisation and it’s actually an acronym for:
“Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence,
Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion”
Nice!
The Spectre In You
It’s a natural part of the human condition that we have aspects that seek to expand AND aspects that seek to control and minimise change. It’s the yin and yang, the in-breath and out-breath, the dark and light of life…
Sometimes these minimising parts are called inner saboteurs or ‘the shadow’… we’re calling one ‘your inner SPECTRE’, but there are many names… and – don’t freak out… they’re organised.
Of course those expansive aspects are also highly organised, and choosing to engage self-inquiry mode leverages their awesome power 🙂
Only The Brave
OK, back to you…
By now, you may have gathered that these 007 questions will be inviting you to delve into your more shadowy inner territory. But relax, because as well as an inner SPECTRE, you also have an inner Bond.
And more good news… Bond always has his genius back-room-buddy Q, who hands out awesome gizmos that make things easier. In this case – The NPA Process!
If you’re not yet fully of-fey with The NPA Process, look for the extra resources I offer on this page.
I know you’re up for it, so let’s get to the questions, tie the strands together, uncover and release the SPECTRE in your life…
How To Approach These Questions…
It’s a very normal response when approaching self-inquiry questions to ‘clench’.
This is because there’s a natural ‘bracing of self’ that happens when we approach the unknown or set about discovering things that may have been held in the shadows.
I know how you feel, I’ve felt that internal clench on many an occasion.
What I’ve found (though at first it may seem counter-intuitive, especially given the subject matter), is the best way to counter this, is by approaching the exercise lightly… Answer the questions in an almost nonchalant manner, as if unattached to what comes back when you ask them.
I often say that true self-inquiry is not about seeking the answers, but rather letting the answers find you. So, ask the questions, and write down whatever comes – even if it doesn’t at first seem to make sense…
007 Questions
IMPORTANT: The questions are designed to elicit a ‘splurge’ response rather than a singular or distinct answer. So let the answers be an ‘out-flowing’ and write whatever comes. When the answer to a questions seems to naturally complete itself, move to the next. I’ll tell you what to do with the ‘splurge’ later.
And, as I said before, if you’re not yet fully of-fey with The NPA Process and finding ‘cookie cutters’, while it’s not essential, you should probably get this:
GET THE NPA KEY WORD CHEAT SHEET
The link below is a ‘back door’ to a special 75% off offer on my essential guide to finding NPA cookie cutters
And at the very least you’ll need the words for The NPA Process, which you will find as part of the “Don’t Take Them Personally” exercise, which is available via the widget in the sidebar.
ALSO IMPORTANT: These questions presuppose the idea that you, metaphorically, have an inner ‘spectre’, and if you’re not cool with that presupposition – don’t do the exercise!
Green light? Great…
So grab yourself pen and paper, or open a notepad/doc on your device of choice and answer these, in order…
If you were to know, where in your life is your inner SPECTRE having the biggest influence right now?
Letting your mind drift back and gently caress the timeline of your life… and contemplating the notion that there are clues to your inner spectre’s nature and origin, what memories, moments or patterns pop out to you?
What’s the scary stuff that stops you from doing what you know you ought to do for your own good?
What lies do you tell yourself, or have you told yourself in the past?
If you’re ruthlessly honest, where in your life do you entertain thoughts of payback and revenge?
What do you fear that people might find out about you and how does that influence your decisions?
What are the external pressures in your life, and what do they suppress?
Well done!
Seriously, if you’ve answered all of these as honestly as you can, that’s an amazing thing, and you’re probably wondering what to do with all that revelation…
Start by taking a deep breath, and then let’s do some NPA…
Cookie Cutters
OK, now you’re going to use your answers to find, what we call in NPA, your cookie cutters. These are the connected keywords that, when you NPA them, loosen or free the grip of your inner spectre energy.
I’m going to break this down in two different ways. For those who know NPA and have some skills, and an ‘easy’ version for those that don’t.
Instructions For NPA Veterans
Treat each answer as a spew and find the most animated cookie cutter.
List your 7 cookie cutters.
Read the list out loud and then do an energy read to find your 8th ‘inner spectre’ cookie cutter.
NPA each of the 8 cookie cutters in order
Optional: do a flip for the whole sequence.
Instructions For NPA Newbies And Beginners
I highly recommend you ‘treat each answer as a spew’ as per the veteran instructions. You can learn how to do this with my NPA Key Word Cheat Sheet for parking change, but if you don’t yet know how to do that and you can’t wait, then here’s what you can do…
Read or scan through your answers, then, looking at them, immediately complete the following sentence:
This is the energy of ________
(Use the the first thing that pops into your consciousness to complete the sentence)
Whatever you complete the sentence with can be used as your ’inner spectre cookie cutter’.
Use it to fill the blank in The NPA Process, and remember to say the all six lines out loud.
Be present to what you experience, whatever release, awareness – even if it’s a nothingness…
Show Some Love
I’d love to to hear what you experience doing this, so please let me know in the comments. And remember to grab my NPA Key Word Cheat Sheet, it will help you avoid the common mistakes I see people make all the time when it comes to finding their cookie cutter keywords and will help you make the most of these questions.
Also, if this helped you in any way, please pay it forward with a share!
Time to dive a little into the human and energetic mechanics behind The NPA Process… This little post is for the tech heads, psychology nerds, ever-curious ‘how-do-dat’ folk and NPA skill seekers everywhere. I’m going to pull back the veil a bit on the art and nature of how we spot those cookie cutters.
Now, just in case you turned up here cold and oblivious to NPA, boy you lucked out! 😉 The NPA Process is a beautifully simple way, that anyone can use, to stop taking things personally. And the best place to start is here: A perfect NPA starter exercise
OK… let’s dive in…
Picking Up Animation In A Spew (And how it relates to Identity)
When you’re in a crowded room and someone on the other side of it mentions your name, your awareness heightens – you pick it up, you are tuned to it. You don’t have to think about it, you are already pre-set to notice what you recognise as ‘You’ above all else.
In the same way, when you are (to use the NPA vernacular) spewing, you are listening for that which you recognise as ‘your self’ (in other words, for the expressions of self identity).
These cookie cutters naturally pop out to you a little more than the rest of the spew. What we are really doing then, as we listen for the animation, is mapping our self-identifications. And it bares repeating that we are already pre-set to do this. We are already unconsciously competent.
#ThatsMeThatIs
This recognition of Self is like an energetic signal that broadcasts “that’s me that is” – like an energetic hashtag. A cookie cutter is ‘tagged’ when it is actively connected to our self-identity – cool huh?
The natural question then is “So how come we can spot other peoples cookie cutters?”
Well, just as in your fave social media feed, whether you have written #ThatsMeThatIs or they have… it’s still easy to spot when you’re looking for it right? As an observer of another’s spew, it is the noticing of that signal, that ‘tag’ which creates the popping out effect and indicates the cookie cutters as they arise.
GET THEÂ NPA KEY WORD CHEAT SHEET
The link below is a ‘back door’ to a special 75% off offer on my essential guide to finding NPA cookie cutters
It’s nice to know this stuff, and at the end of the day, I would always encourage you to continue to let it be as simple as it is: Listen to the spew, notice what pops out to you, feed it back.
If you have any questions, please go ahead and ask them in the comments below.
Love & Blessings, as ever,
Joel Young (#ThatsMeThatIs)
Creator & Custodian of NPA
I was working with a client last week and got into some interesting territory around cravings she was experiencing. Inevitably, we looked at it through the lens of non-personal awareness. One of the hall marks of the non-personal perspective is to switch from a personalised view point to a relational one.
It was very powerful for her to take the following steps when the cravings came calling.
But, first off, it bears saying that some cravings are just natural hunger, and some are telling you that you’re deficient in some nutrient, so not all of them are ‘unhealthy’. This approach is for those cravings you know to be unhealthy…
THE 5 STEPS
1) Align with the personalised truth of the moment…
When a craving hits you, it’s been embodied, so you have personalised the energy. To put that another way, you have claimed the craving as yours and made it part of yourself. I often espouse the value of ‘Starting where you are’, it ground you into the current reality and means your movement from there is more connected and so, more impactful. You can do this with a simple statement: “I have a craving”
2) Step into the non-personal, relational perspective…
You are not, in fact, the craving. That might seem like an obvious statement but it’s so automatic to personalise these independent energies, that we often miss the blindingly obvious. A simple statement will help you move from the personalised, to the non-personalised perspective: “There is a craving”
3) Understand that an unhealthy craving is driven by pain…
This is true of any imbalanced behaviour – underlying it is some form of pain, driving a misdirected behavioural response, which is what marks it as ‘unhealthy’. So now you have untangled yourself from the energy of the craving in step two, you can begin to see this more clearly. A statement will help you align with this perspective: “The craving is in pain”
4) Align yourself with compassion for the craving…
This is not about figuring out what the pain is, analysing it or fixing it. Simply allowing yourself to acknowledge that the craving is a distinct energy and it is in pain generally elicits your natural human response of compassion, and compassion is an empowering perspective for you personally. There’s no statement as such here, but if compassion isn’t coming naturally, try imagining the craving as a little puppy in pain… that usually does the trick 😉
5) Open the possibility of another action or behavioural response…
An unhealthy craving is fixated on a particular behaviour or action as the antidote to it’s pain – be that eating, smoking or whatever. When you ‘give in to’ or are ‘taken over by’ it, when you personally identify with it, you are subject to that belief and behaviour. Now that you have untangled from it and are in a space of compassion, you’re in a much stronger place to open the doors of possibility. Again this is not about figuring out what that is – in the non-personal the ‘mechanisms’ are given space to find you. The point is to align you, and the relational space between you and the craving, with the energy of option rather than a singular and unhealthy route. In other words, it puts possibility in the pot. A simple statement will do this: “There is another way”
As I said, my client found this incredibly helpful, so I thought I would share it with you and hope that it makes a difference to your life experience. I’d love to hear what you experience, so please share in the comments below… and share it on social media if you feel your friends and those in your network could benefit from it.
In this short audio with Joel Young, The Creator of The NPA Process, you will discover how the requirement for personal involvement in your healing journey has dramatically changed since the background shift in consciousness has matured over the past few years…
Joel explains…
The historic culture of personal involvement
How things are different since the recent shift
Why purpose is context specific on the healing path
Discernment between option and need
How one lady went from flustered stuttering to clear expression in 30 seconds
How shifting consciousness automatically shifts emotional states, limiting beliefs and unhealthy behaviours
When conscious participation IS necessary
What love’s got to do with it
Time investment: 6.5 minutes
Why Conscious Participation Is Not Always Necessary For Healing
Criticism is a part of life, and yet so many people have a hard time receiving it and they often experience a lot of hurt in the process. Even if the critics intention is to be constructive, it can be experienced as painful.
I often say that awareness is a powerful thing, so I thought I’d bring some awareness to the topic, laying out why the sensitivity is there, and how NPA can change the experience completely in a healthy way.
Why Are People So Sensitive When It Comes To Criticism From Others?
You might be surprised to learn that the sensitivity actually comes from defence. Criticism threatens an identity, or sense of self and as we become more attached to an identity, it becomes rigid and brittle. If you imagine your skin became rigid and brittle and then someone came up and poked it – it might well split, and then OUCH!
Taking things personally is literally attaching to an identity – you say ‘that’s me that is’, or, equally as confining, ‘that’s NOT me’. For example, a 5 year old who’s told by his Dad: ‘You’re funny!’ may take that on as a fundamental character trait. Literally taking it as ‘Funny: that’s who I am’. Perhaps he grows up and builds an identity all around that idea, maybe even makes it a career! Then someone say’s ‘you’re not that funny’ and his brittle skin gets poked! Of course, different people respond differently in different situations, but he may lash out, or withdraw – either way he feels pain.
A Way To Stop Taking Things Personally
Essentially, The NPA Process allows people to stop taking things personally. Now, most of us realise that taking things personally is a painful thing but few have any idea HOW to NOT take things personally – so that’s pretty awesome by itself!
But what I have come to realise is that ‘taking things personally’ is threaded much more deeply and subtly through our human psyche and is the fundamental mechanism for creating our experiences – both wonderful and painful.
NPA has now had a huge impact on the lives of people from all over the world, from all walks of life and in a huge variety of situations. So, it turns out, that the NPA Process is an amazing tool for clearing painful experiences quickly AND allowing more expansive and joyful experiences into our lives.
Running with the brittle skin metaphor for a bit, you could say that NPA gives you healthy skin – supple yet strong, sensitive and able to feel a vast range of sensations, yet in no way tender and raw. Someone can ‘have a poke’, but it doesn’t hurt, there’s nothing to defend and it can be seen for what it is; just a perspective.
So, Should We Take NOTHINGÂ Personally?
People are often surprised when I tell them that NPA does not subscribe to the idea that taking things personally is always bad. In fact it acknowledges that fundamentally it’s how we experience anything at all!
What causes us pain and suffering is that brittle-ness I spoke of earlier – that attachment to, and defence of, a transitory idea of who we are. NPA offers a ‘multiple perspective’ approach which I teach on the Saturday of The NPA Expansive Weekend and in NPA: The Bridge and this can bring a great deal of fluidity and relief to peoples sense of identity.
NPA is interested in helping people notice and shift those places where brittleness and therefore pain and suffering has come about from taking things personally, where either they are clinging to something that wants to pass, or resisting something that wants to come into their life.
A Note On Clarity & Action
People sometimes misinterpret this perspective and think that I am suggesting a path of passivity that a) never acknowledges that sometimes the critic is just being an arse, and b) doesn’t allow space for the criticised person to have a powerful response.
So here’s what I’ve noticed…
There isn’t one formula for a response that is appropriate in all situations. The reports I get, and my own experience tells me that NPA (and not taking things personally generally) brings a tremendous clarity and presence to the situation. From that clarity and presence strong affirmative action seems to arise naturally.
This is not the powerless, angry action of someone who is in defence and feels like ‘the victim’, it’s the action of someone who knows who they are, supports their values and yet is open to self-evaluation. It’s the action of someone humble enough to know that they are not perfect and others may have a point, yet knows their boundaries and are willing to assert them. Walking away is definitely an option. Passionate discussion of different perspectives is definitely an option. This is a HEALTHY place to come from and time again I see NPA bringing clear and healthy action into peoples lives.
Criticism Aikido
If you’re someone who feels sensitive to criticism, then thank God you’re here. If EVER there was a tool for the job, NPA is it for you!
So here’s what I recommend. Get REALLY into NPA. Practice, Practice, Practice The NPA Process! Master it, play with it, just do it! Buy NPA: The Bridge and listen to it over and over. And/or come to a seminar, join the NPA Community!
Each time you do a process you’ll be loosening up your stuck identifications, letting go of some yukky stuff, or letting in some yummy stuff, but also training in the non-personal perspective – this is one of the fundamentals of letting the Non-Personal perspective come alive in you.
Having the non-personal perspective ‘alive’ in you brings an aikido like emotional and mental agility in difficult situations – like when criticism comes your way! Your brittle skin will be nourished, hydrated and re-conditioned with healthy, wholesome non-personal goodness. It’s a wonderful thing 🙂
Have you ever been in a situation where the people around you are in an absolute stink? A prolonged state of ‘negativity’ where it seems like nothing you say or do, no matter how well intentioned, can encouraged them to come back into their heart?
My name is Joel Young and I’m the creator
of The NPA Process, a beautifully simple way to stop taking things personally.
This video addresses the issue of dealing with intense negativity in terms of basic human interaction. It comes in the understanding that human relations are often where our deepest crap hits the proverbial fan, rarely stopping to consider the sanitised suggestions proffered by our more enlightened aspects.
I’ve experienced this many many times in my life and I’ve learned some valuable lessons along the way.
I’m not generally big on formulas, but it IS nice to have some options.
So here’s a list of 10 things I’d like to share with you, that I’ve found helpful when I’m dealing with intense negativity. If you can assimilate even one of them in the heat of the moment, you’ll be doing yourself (and the other person) a big favour.
So let’s get started…
1. Re-Think The Label ‘Negativity’
When you label someones expressions as ‘negative’ you enter dangerous territory.
Now, It’s not that I’m saying there’s anything intrinsically bad or wrong with the term negativity, I’m simply suggesting you examine what you are really saying when you use it, and how that impacts your experience: your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
I could say a LOT about this, but the main point I want to highlight is that in the context of heated interactions: Watch out for the tendency to fall into the trap of using the term ‘negativity’ as one of the following: a judgement, a defence, an attack from a position of superior enlightenment, to assert yourself as a victim, to negate their perspective or deny their experience.
All of those will cause YOU pain and I’m encouraging you to be as aware as possible about how YOUR label for THEIR experience impacts YOUR experience.
When we’re uncomfortable with someone else’s expression, it’s very easy to believe the notion that they ought to be different than they are – after all, YOU can see that they would be much happier if they only followed your helpful advice and, of course, it would certainly be easier for you!
Again, I’m not saying that your helpful insights aren’t awesome, and if they did do what’s bleedin’ obvious to you, perhaps they would feel a whole lot better!
The slippery slope here is when you become attached to your way and then suddenly you have an agenda.
Agenda’s limit possibilities. They can make you go deaf & blind to the other person, to yourself and tend to create strong undercurrents of pressure to have themselves fulfilled.
Pressure and heat is exactly what you need for an explosion – just sayin’
The truth is that they need to be where they are right now – at least for now. And as humans we tend to resist when our natural pace is forced.
There’ll be time for suggestions or for offering a perspective or for finding a way through that works for them (whether you agree with it or not) – and that time might not be now.
When you drop your agenda, you’ll be more available to notice that moment when it arises.
3. Don’t Take It Personally
Well, of course, this list would not be complete without a reference to NPA would it?
So… Lots of wise sages have advised people not to take these things personally – and trust me it’s good advice!
I have dedicated nearly a decade of my life to sharing the multifaceted and fundamentally non-personal nature of reality… And sometimes, especially in these situations, it comes down to this: It’s just not about you!
Of course, when someone’s deepest doo doo is being flung in your face, it can be easier said than done to not take it personally, but fortunately the human race now has The NPA Process which gives us a simple and effective way to cut through the sh*t (pun intended) and come up smelling of roses (I may have overdone and/or mixed my metaphors – but you get the point!).
I’ve experienced it myself AND had amazing feedback from so many other people who have stepped out of a heated situation, taken themselves through an NPA Process and found they really CAN stop taking it personally and become freer to act from a wholesome place.
On my website (see below) you’ll find a free and simple exercise called ‘Don’t Take Them Personally’. It will show you exactly how to use The NPA Process in these situations and I highly recommend you get it.
GET THE “DON’T TAKE THEM PERSONALLY†EXERCISE
Learn how you can feel clear and centred around the people in your life who say or do things that cause you stress
This suggestion may seem hard to swallow, and it often requires us to be able to genuinely get the hang of suggestions 1, 2 & 3 – so: drop the label of negativity, drop the agenda and not take it personally – before we’re able to really listen. But when you DO really listen, magic can happen.
There can be lots of ‘faux’ listening going on, especially where an agenda is running in the background – and in fact, that is not listening.
Truly listening can be miraculous, but listening in order to get a miracle – well, we’re back to agenda again :p
Listening without an agenda is just that. Listening. Nothing added. You might be amazed what gets said when they realise you’re really listening.
5. Listen To You
There’s a saying that ‘misery loves company’ which points to our very natural human longing for agreement. In the heat of their deepest pain people often seek agreement from those around them.
And when I say seek, as you know, it often comes out as demand right?
Now, Our culture is full of mixed messages in this arena.
We’re taught, for example: “It is kind and loving to sympathise and support someone in their painful storiesâ€
This is something many would agree with, and it’s my opinion that there IS a place for this in the bish bosh of day to day human bonding. Validation can be an important part of dialogue.
Conversely we are told “where attention goes energy flowsâ€, which in this context is kind of a rebranding of “don’t throw fuel on the fireâ€. In other words, if you give their negativity attention it will just get worse.
Then there’s the old chestnut: “If I don’t put ’em straight they’ll never learn  And sometimes a strong alternative perspective is exactly what’s needed…
The reality is, there’s no ONE approach that will be right for all situations, and you can’t truly know how the other person will respond whichever path you choose. To sympathise, to challenge, to ignore, to confront…? What to do? What to do?
All you can do is listen to you as best you can, and follow those inner prompts, knowing that they, ultimately, come from a wider awareness. Plus, this way, at least you stay with yourself.
6. Ask Yourself: Is It Kind To Me?
This inner inquiry came to me in the middle of a drawn out domestic some years ago.
Kindness has always been important to me and the question I used to ask was focused very much in the outward direction. “What’s the kind thing for me to do†would be translated as “how can I express kindness towards them“.
What I realised though is that sometimes, my attempts at kindness would be very painful for me, and would often backfire and cause greater stress in my beloved at the time.
The thing is, I was excluding myself completely from the kindness equation.
So, on this occasion I was laying next to my wife at the time, both of us worn out from the long fight. I knew she was still mad at me and very much unresolved… and the truth is, so was I.
Then arose my usual urge to make peace… To open my heart and reconnect and I began to reach out my hand to touch her softly and comfort her… Suddenly the words rang loudly in my head: “Is it kind to YOU Joel?â€
My hand stopped in it’s tracks as the realisation dawned. “No, it bloody well isn’t kind to me†and then, I realised, it wouldn’t really have been kind to her either.
It would have been a false move, borne from my agenda to stop the discomfort I felt with the conflict! It would have been a lie to her and a lie to myself.
My hand withdrew and I lay in the truth, and let her be – free to lay in hers. Something in me softened.
So my suggestion is: before you act to appease, to agree, to shout, to run – whatever – ask yourself “Is it kind to me?â€. If it is? Chances are it’s the kindest thing you can do all round.
OK, this one is real simple. You’re gonna cock it up on numbers 1-6 at some point (and numbers 8-10 for that matter!). You just are – that’s your humanity.
So give yourself a break.
Sometimes, what is, is just gonna be: “I’m fed up with the unconscious negativity of the miserable bugger. Why won’t they just think differently like I tell ’em AND I’ve been as kind to them as I can possibly be in spite of their mood! What about me!!!!???†lol
Give yourself a break. There’s another breath coming.
8. Remove Yourself From The Situation
Sometimes you’ve just gotta get out. Get away from it. This links right back to listening to and being kind to you. There are times when it’s time to stay and work it through, and times when something inside says it’s time to go.
This is true in a small temporary way – where you just need to take yourself off for a walk, a bike ride, for a coffee or whatever… AND it can also be true in a bigger way, where it’s time to leave the relationship altogether.
When you listen in and pay close attention, and are willing to be kind to you, the thousand-and-one rational thoughts that would keep you in the painful crap longer than is ‘true’ won’t get a look in.
9. Affirm Your Willingness To Be There When They’re Ready
In relational dynamics, especially if it’s that time to go take a breather (and it’s not the grand finale), I’ve found that it’s kinder all round if you can offer some sense of reassurance as you step away.
It may seem that the other person can neither hear you nor cares, but something inside them is listening.
So saying things like “I’m here when you’re ready, I know we can work this out, and I need to go right now†tend to tear less at the bonds between you.
This isn’t only a sound approach at the times when you need to walk away for a bit, but all throughout communications at these heated times.
The more you can offer statements of intent to work it out together, to hear them, to be there: it’s all good (as long as it’s kind to you).
But really – don’t under estimate the value of another perspective in these kind of situations. We all need a helping hand sometimes <3
One More thing…
What if YOU are the source of ‘intense negativity’?
In that case, watch this video again and see if you can recognise how there’s a part of you that needs to ‘re-think the label’, ‘drop the agenda’ etc etc – give yourself a break and Do some NPA!!
Give It Some Love
So… Perhaps you have ideas I’ve never even thought of? Maybe one of these 10 suggestions has given you an aha moment or helped you in some specific way? Maybe you have a strong opinion about one or all of these?
Please let me and others know in the comments and why not share this if you’ve found it helpful
Also go visit my website: NonPersonalAwareness.com where you’ll find the free and simple exercise called ‘Don’t Take Them Personally’. Remember, it will show you exactly how to use The NPA Process in these situations and I highly recommend you get it.
[or use the link in the box below]
GET THE “DON’T TAKE THEM PERSONALLY†EXERCISE
Learn how you can feel clear and centred around the people in your life who say or do things that cause you stress
How do we resolve the paradox of eternal presentness and the construct of time, in our ever-so-spiritually aware world? It’s been a conundrum to be sure.
One of the things I found after NPA became intricately enmeshed with my world, was that many apparent spiritual paradoxes faded into smiles as the non-personal perspective came alive in me. So I thought I would offer the non-personal perspective into this debate, as it’s one that has caused confusion and consternation in many an awakened Soul.
Now is Good. Future is Bad.
This cheeky little subtitle references George Orwell’s Animal Farm, where the sheep chant the pigs decree: “Four legs good, two legs bad”…
Well, it’s a popular view in modern spirituality, that experiencing the ‘now’ is good, whilst entertaining the future (or past for that matter) is somehow less enlightened. For those who approach spirituality as a goal oriented sport (obviously not you, but you probably know someone who does) this is high octane fuel for your seeker missiles. Eternal presents, a fine target to aim for…
The thing is, you are in the present moment anyway. How could you be anything else?
The mechanism of experience is the same regardless of time constructs.
The Present is the touch point of, and cornerstone reference for, our human experience.
There’s nothing YOU have to DO to be present.
And even the EXPERIENCE of the present is a construct.
This, my friend, is the realisation that you ARE what you are seeking… there is nothing for YOU to DO…
In that, all constructs are free to come and go. Past, Future, Present… the dream… the experience…
We are, quite simply, witnessing and experiencing a stream of translations in the matrix of infinite possibility. The stream unfolds as it does, and sometimes future flavoured translations float by…
So, I encourage you to enjoy the game of future events, and watch the unfolding of reality in the present.
Namaste, eternal time travellers 😉
[JY-General-Bio]
Tweetables:
“You are in the present moment anyway. How could you be anything else?” via @JoelYoungNPA
“The Present is the touch point of, and cornerstone reference for, our human experience” via @JoelYoungNPA
“There’s nothing YOU have to DO to be present” via @JoelYoungNPA
“We are witnessing & experiencing a stream of translations in the matrix of infinite possibility” via @JoelYoungNPA
“I encourage you to enjoy the game of future events, and watch the unfolding of reality in the present” via @JoelYoungNPA